Faith and Marriage

[Hammie]

Soooo I'm no "bible banger" like my sister is, but lately I've been getting stronger in my Lutheran faith. I still don't work a schedule that is conducive to attending church, since I'm student teaching and working a part time job which equates to about 65 hours of work a week, but I've been doing a lot of prayer and looking at my life, trying to improve my relationship with Christ, etc.

My boyfriend was raised Catholic, attended Catholic schools and has a grandmother who is so immersed in Catholicism she forgets the center of it all is God. He will tell you that he's had religion shoved down his throat. Because of this, he does not have strong faith. From our discussions, he does believe in a higher power and believes in the possibility of Heaven and ****, but has not settled on his beliefs. He agreed recently that he is willing to seek out a church we both feel comfortable in so that we can raise our children in a non overbearing Christian way. He knows it's important to me so he's willing to ride it out. I know I shouldn't want to change him in any way, but I do want him to strengthen his faith in God so that we can both go to Heaven together. I'd never leave him for his beliefs. If I end up in Heaven without him, that's sad, but that's reality. He's the love of my life and I will be with him forever.

I do want to know if it's asking too much of him to have him attend with me and our hypothetical children. We're planning on marrying in the next year or so, so this is something that may be a reality sooner than later. I just don't want to be one of those psychotic "bible bangers" who thrusts the Lord at people and tries to "save people from damnation" while actually pushing them away.

Anyone have any experience in this matter? It's hard to find anything online that relates since he is, at the base of it all, essentially a Christian who is just a little lost and hurt by the church.

 

[ChinnyMom]

i would say allow him to follow his own path, and gently encourage him to attend church with you. perhaps start with a function being put on by the church instead of regular sunday service, like a thanksgiving dinner, etc (what man doesn't like food? lol!). perhaps he will strike up an acquaintance or friendship with some other husband(s) there and want to go to sunday service because it will mean seeing these people on a regular basis?

 

[Hammie]

That's true. I had hoped that maybe our church trials might help him out, too. In order to find a church we're both comfortable in, we both have to go, right? Food is probably a must. Maybe on top of it, I'll start Sunday breakfasts like my family back home does. After church, we eat like kings but if Mommy doesn't wake up and go to church, she's certainly not waking up to make you all breakfast haha

 

[lauralynne]

Let me tell you this: Women marry men thinking they will change them. Men marry women thinking they'll never change.

If you have these issues before you get married, 99.9% of the time, you'll have them after (and worse) when you get married.

 

[Jenn]

You either love him for who he is, or you don't. As Laura said, you can't marry someone thinking they will change...most of us don't change. We are who we are. Sometimes we have to be happy and accepting that we are different, and as long as your future husband doesn't try to hold you back from your beliefs, you should do the same for him.

I don't attend church, and either does my husband. I have been told to my face that unless both partners believe in God, the marriage will fail. This person who was faithful to God, as well as his wife, soon got divorced. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We leave the door open for our kids to make their own choice.

It can work and does work.

 

[threewingedfury]

Let me tell you this: Women marry men thinking they will change them. Men marry women thinking they'll never change.

If you have these issues before you get married, 99.9% of the time, you'll have them after (and worse) when you get married.

:thumbsup: Big thumbs up there.

I would ask his opinion on it - see how he feels about you wanting him to change. If he's not interested in it, don't push your religion on him. I personally would not marry someone that pushed their religion on me, they would be long gone. Wouldn't care how much I cared about them, I have my beliefs and no one will change them.

I know families that are split by different religions and argue about how their children will be baptized, which church they will go to, and sometimes it leads to divorce. I think it's best to get it all out in the open now before you consider marriage or children. He'll either want to try it, or he won't, and pushing him isn't going to make a relationship anymore stable.

 

[Hammie]

We had a big long discussion about it the other day and he said he was completely fine with it and was more than willing and blah blah blah. The problem is that he sometimes goes along with things that he shouldn't because he's too nice to me. I just wonder if it's too much to expect of him to explore churches with me.

I also want to stress that he's not changing his religion. He has wavering Christian beliefs that are outweighed by his hatred for the hypocrisy of his childhood church.

He did call me later that night and take back one part of the agreement. He asked me if we could wait until his Nana passed away because she'll make our lives a living **** for not raising our children Catholic. I told him that when we aren't married in a catholic church, she might notice...

He doesn't know anything about religion, which is kind of amusing since he attended Catholic schools until he was 14, but he's also what we teachers like to call a "lifelong learner" and willing to learn about anything.

We've decided to look at it from this angle: For now, it will be a learning process. As a science major, he needs to see things from all angles before he can make decisions. If he decides that it's just not for him, that's fine. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I don't know how to explain to our hypothetical children why daddy doesn't go to church, but for now, they don't even exist, so I'm not concerned.

 

[GorillaJTA]

As a science major, he needs to see things from all angles before he can make decisions. If he decides that it's just not for him, that's fine. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I don't know how to explain to our hypothetical children why daddy doesn't go to church, but for now, they don't even exist, so I'm not concerned.

I grew up with a mother who went and a father who never went to church. I never questioned it because that was just how it was- mom was church and dad was work on sunday mornings.
The one thing I can address is this.
You said he is a science major- make sure if you go visiting without him, that if you want him to appreciate the sermons, then the pastor needs to appeal to his scientific nature. The current preacher at my church is all emotion and no rational and I do not like going (have been going there since I was a kid). The preacher I have seen at another church appealed to my rational side and also threw out historical fact and background rather than focusing purely on what should be. That appeals more to my fact-finding nature than pure speculation.

 

[Megan]

I was raised Catholic. My Husband was raised as a Jehovah's witness.

We agreed since we first started dating that we aren't going to change each other. He is happy, and proud of his faith. While I do not attend church regularly, I do believe (for the most part) in what I was taught as a Catholic. I do have my own beliefs, but that is another topic. He does want me to attend on of their lectures eventually... and when I am ready, I agreed to.

We do want kids, and have discussed what faith to raise our children. Instead of choosing our child's faith we have decided the best way would be to to educate them on various types of faith, and allow them to choose which they feel is the best to follow. If it happens to be catholic- Great. If it happens to be Jehovah's Witness great! If they choose something totally different, that is okay too.

We opted to get married at an outdoor wedding at his family farm. My dads good friend, and the mayor of the town I grew up in married us. We didn't have a mass, we did not have a traditional Catholic wedding. It worked great for our families, and there were no hard feelings. For us this has worked out nicely. Neither one of us expects the other to change, but accept each others beliefs and accept each other for who we are.

 

[Hammie]

You said he is a science major- make sure if you go visiting without him, that if you want him to appreciate the sermons, then the pastor needs to appeal to his scientific nature. The current preacher at my church is all emotion and no rational and I do not like going (have been going there since I was a kid). The preacher I have seen at another church appealed to my rational side and also threw out historical fact and background rather than focusing purely on what should be. That appeals more to my fact-finding nature than pure speculation.

That's really helpful advice, thanks! I'll be sure to look out for that. I'm like that as well, so I think that more rationalism would be a good fit for us both.

 

[Riven]

Instead of choosing our child's faith we have decided the best way would be to to educate them on various types of faith, and allow them to choose which they feel is the best to follow.

Amen to that... If you can't explain to your hypothetical kids that people can have different beliefs within your own family, then how can you teach tolerance about people outside? "It's okay for other people to believe different things, but not us" is kind of hypocritical.

Believing in god neither strengthens or ruins a marriage despite what people say. My husband and I are both atheists. We're usually happy, but have no more arguments, and definitely not any WORSE of arguments than our neighbors who go to church weekly and even help teach Awana's. If anything I think we're a little more sane, but then again this comes from someone who keeps about 100 chins in a building behind her house... lol. I follow Buddhist traditions, and he doesn't follow anything.

I was raised Catholic, and there is nothing that happened to me to make me think I didn't want to be Catholic, I simply have different views, some might say I have a lack of faith, call it what you want. I have faith just in different things. I can say that him being a Science major, religion will be more difficult for him, science people like facts, they like things that "work" and christianity doesn't "work", it's based on faith. Our oldest daughter sometimes goes to Awana's with the neighbor, we support her decision to explore different religions, even if we don't follow that ourselves. It's not about what's right or wrong, it's about what gets you through the day. If you sleep good at night knowing you prayed and have a place in heaven, and I sleep good at night believing I've done a good job and will have a good reincarnation, you can pray for me, I'll hope to see you, and everyone is well.

There are a couple things I do know about christian religion beliefs, god is everywhere, so ... why do you need to go to church? Also not truly believing in god but worshiping him is the same as worshiping false idols... ( according my FIL who is a "bible thumper", we have interesting family gatherings, which usually end up in him telling me that my faith will come and I'm going to ****... )

Religion is a tough subject. Ask him to go to church with you, see what he thinks, maybe ask him what he thinks is the ideal religion, ask him what things he thinks make that, and see if you can agree on something. You said he believes in a higher power, but does he believe in god? I suggest you dig a little more... be open, or he'll just try to make you happy. Say " Hey, I've been thinking about this some more, what do you think is the ideal religion? Tell me about it... " It's open and leads him into open up. You don't have to doubt your faith to find out what his truly is.