SIL overreacting on daughters weight?

[Riven]

We had "thankschristmas" are my FIL's this weekend and something has just kind of bothered me. My niece is not what I'd call fat, she's kind of thick, but I wouldn't look at her and be concerned about it, especially at the age of 8.

We were eating and she finished all of her food on her plate that her mom gave her, not large portions either. And asked for more potatoes, my FIL was dishing them up for her, then her mom just kind of bursts out "Jessica!"... and John stops in mid scoop and my SIL says you need to remember to watch how many servings you have... then of course my FIL's asking if he was in the wrong...

But mostly I felt bad for Jessica. I believe she wears about a size 10, so she's not huge, and she's very solid, she isn't a skinny mini, but I don't think it's cause for concern. What I am worried about that this is going to cause other issues in the future, possible eating disorders and her being very conscious about her weight.

My SIL is very thin, but I "think" it's from her MS, or that's what I've been told anyway. Her husband's a little heavy, and I guess his side of the family is all on the bigger side and I understand that she is concerned about her getting obese. John's sister is very sweet and has good intentions, but often she is not fully educated on things, or doesn't take some things into consideration when she makes decisions. She doesn't do it on purpose, I think it's maybe just that she doesn't know.

Am I wrong to be concerned?

 

[ChinchillaSteve]

Maybe her mother just wants her to look healthy or something.

But I don't think this will lead to eating disorders.

Mostly girls get eating disorders like anorexia when they are bullied at school and do not feel safe in their surroundings.
Here she is in her "trusty" enviroment and should feel safe. I say "should".

Maybe you could talk to her in private or to her mother.

 

[Riven]

I guess that I don't see how your mother pointing out that you're kind of fat and should eat less is any different than the kids at school teasing you about it, in fact I'd think it would be more harmful.

 

[InkedupTara]

I was told avg weight is 10 lbs for every year, so she should be approx around 80-90 lbs. I think parents should watch what their kids eat. So many kids are over weight anymore. Then they face health risks and issues at school etc being over weight.

I wouldnt want to see her so skinny she looks sick either. There has to be a healthy medium, but I dont think one extra helping at Thanksgiving was going to hurt much.

 

[Riven]

I do think that there is greater emphasis on overweight people than underweight in the US. My daughter is 9 and weighs right under 60 lbs. She is average height for her age, and I've consulted the doctor about her weight and they said if she's eating she's fine... but I think she's too skinny, what's a person to do?

 

[tunes]

Mostly girls get eating disorders like anorexia when they are bullied at school and do not feel safe in their surroundings.
Here she is in her "trusty" enviroment and should feel safe. I say "should".

You're wrong. Sometimes the worst psychological damage comes from parents. She could easily end up with an eating disorder from her mother riding her about her weight.

I think parents should watch what their kids eat.

I think there's a huge difference between watching what your child eats and embarrassing the crap out of her at a family function. Instead of blurting it out like she did, she could have just said to the FIL when he was scooping it out, only a small one please. Something, anything would have been better than how that must have made the little girl feel.

Nicole, I think some thin people have weird feelings towards overweight people. They almost think they are going to catch "it" <rolls eyes>. Everything in the news, television, the radio - it's all thin is in, anti-fat. The thought of her daughter being overweight may just horrify her. If her husband is overweight, there's a chance that genetically her daughter may be a little bit heavier than normal, but that doesn't mean she's going to be fat and it doesn't mean that she's should have to torture herself for the rest of her life because she grew up hearing comments like that.

 

[Becky]

I have mixed feelings.

If a child is overweight at 8, by the time that they are adults they will more than likely be quite large. If they don't learn to watch what they eat, and learn to eat healthy and in moderation, they will be in trouble later in life.

I think kids need to be taught and reminded, but to me a holiday meal would be a "freeby" and I would let her have what she wanted. I also would never say anything in front of other people.

Another avenue to take would be to make sure that she gets enough exercise to counterbalance what she eats. Most kids today have to be forced to get exercise.

I find that many of the kids that are overweight have a difficult time in school, partly because they are quite lazy. I know the two don't necessarily go together, but I have seen it many, many times. At age 8, she is probably not being made fun of (yet), as second and third graders are pretty accepting of everyone, but another year or so and it will be a problem. Kids can be extremely mean!

 

[brittiny]

I don't know if it's a concern now, but I'd watch the child.
My cousin and I have always been slightly over weight, (I'm just over my BMI), but she (is younger then me by 2 years) is much "larger" than I am. Since I've always been just over what I'd like to be I'd go on and off exercise routines (I never stopped eating though--I'm from Louisiana. Food tastes amazing.) but my cousin only eats supper and constantly complains about --OUR--weight. Belittling her self "I'm fat" yaddah, yada yada...
Her younger sister -who's like 11 and has that tiny pouch girls get a puberty- is beginning "I'm fat"; "I'm ugly".. because she heard her sister.
I'm closely watching my younger cousin. She's most like me in the family I know how she thinks. Both my cousins are in therapy for abandonment and depression and my youngest one is a self mutilator...
I knew when I went through my depression what I did to myself, and she's doing it now. Thing is, she never ate much to begin with and I have a feeling if I don't watch her she will have an eating disorder.

I'd just keep an eye and ear out for her. She may let the stuff bonce off, but some girls let it soak in deep.

 

[Bethany2386]

I do not think that the mother should be doing something like that in front of people, even family. That's a private thing. And I would fear for what that girl is thinking in her head right now. My stepdaughter is 7 and because of her aunt (my SIL), she thinks that she is fat and hairy. My SIL told her that her legs (my stepdaughters legs) were as hairy as an ape's legs. And she is constantly saying, Sky, that shirt makes you look fat. I have to constantly tell Sky how beautiful and skinny she is. And trust me, I have to buy her slim pants and those still fall off of her behind! It's no wonder that my SIL's daughter, who is 4, says that she is afraid to go to school because she doesn't want people staring at her huge butt...

So, I did tell my SIL to knock it off. She is making Sky's self-esteem lower and lower every time she tells her that stuff. It just makes me sick. I mean a 7 or 8 year old shouldn't worry about what they weigh. Don't get me wrong, I will teach my kids how and what to eat... But I am very tall and thin, and I can't gain weight. Trust me, I have tried. I have weighed the same since high school. But I still think that making a child eat healthy is a good idea. Especially now since there is so much obesity in the US. I just think that instead of making a scene, teach your child that if they sigh while they are eating, that's when they should stop. When you sigh, you are full. Sighing is a way to "make more room" in the stomach. And holiday meals, well like Becky said, those are always going to be a freebie. I love eating all the food on holidays, but I normally do not do that.

 

[Riven]

She is the type of girl who loves to be the center of attention, an only child for almost 6 years... when she sees you she is in your face for attention if you're not giving it to her ( annoying to me, I hate "in your face children, lol ) Because of this I could see her doing it for acceptance.

My SIL... I don't think she means any harm at all, and I don't want to make her feel bad because she's very sensitive like that, so I'm concerned about the effects that it may have. I have nothing against teaching children proper nutrition at all.

I was just thinking about maybe making her a like a... magnetic board that is shaped like the food pyramid with the "pieces" which each indicate a serving... if something like that would help teach proper nutrition and allow her to keep track of how many servings she has, and what areas she should eat more in, so she can see ( and her mother ) what is "acceptable" and help her learn how to figure out what she's eating. I don't think her mother really is educated on proper nutrition herself, and is going off of what she hears, which very well would include fad diets ( thus the reason for freaking out over potatoes)... I never see them eat a lot of fruits and veggies either, but it might be because of what we eat when we're all together as well. We often do potluck types of things when we all get together.


I can not recall ever sighing while eating... lol I must never get full! :hilarious:

 

[AZChins]

I don't know. I think it's good that the mother is watching what her daughter is eating. Kids need to be told that eating too much will make them unhealthy and not that it's normal. It's not normal to gorge on potatoes all the time. If I were that mother, I probably would have said something, too.

When I was maybe 10 my aunt, who is beautiful and very kind and takes wonderful care of herself, saw me dishing out ice cream. She came up to me and said that people, who eat that much, end up weighing 300 lbs and I needed to not eat so much. This was the ONLY time anyone had ever told me anything like that...my parents never cared or even bothered. I didn't know that it was unhealthy to eat the entire carton! I'm glad that she did because she helped to teach me about it.

My brothers and my mother are all morbidly obese or rapidly approaching it. I'm the only person, who is at a healthy weight, in my immediate family. Granted, I do work very hard and it isn't hard to work off the calories, but I do watch what I eat. We do not allow soda or junk food in the house. It isn't that I am scared of being fat - I have been fat before, I wasn't very big but I know what it is like. I want to be healthy because it is so much easier than feeling tired and worn out. Plus, a healthy diet makes my skin look good and people then think that I am younger.

Nicole...don't fault that girl's mom for caring. She may see that her daughter is gaining weight and she wants to keep it from getting out of control. Every single time you turn on the television they are talking about childhood obesity and that kids today aren't going to live as long as their parents. That is very frightening.

I'm probably going to have my brother die in the next decade because his weight is out of control. It's because my mother never taught him how to eat properly and when to stop. She gave in to every single little food craving he ever had and let him have as much as he wanted with NO instruction at all on how to eat. It's very sad...she did the same thing with me and it really messed me up for knowing what was healthy and what was not.

 

[Riven]

I'm not faulting her for caring, I'm just concerned that she is not going about it the best way. I know kids who sit and eat tons at one sitting, and I've never seen Jessica do it. She originally had maybe 1/3 C. of potatoes on her plate, we never dish the kids up too much because if they want more they'll ask, and I'd rather not toss out good food.

 

[sinfulcindylou]

Nicole I think finding a subtle way to introduce healthy eating habits and FUN athletic activities to both of them, or the whole family, would be a good idea if you think there is a concern.
I can say from personal experience that being embarrassed like that, especially if it's on a regular basis can scar a person. I went years and years listening to people tell me to lose weight, even when I was 140lbs I was told I was too heavy for my frame. I have always been the big girl in my family and in my group of friends, but just because I was larger didn't mean I wasn't healthy.
Even now I am big for my height and according to the BMI chart I am obese (I am 5'3" and 183 lbs). I eat right, I play competitive volleyball 5-7 days a week and coach and usually walk/run 1-4 miles a day. I have no health problems and get blood work every 6 months to make sure I have no underlying problems for why I am so large.
My point is that just because she may be large- doesn't mean she isn't healthy. And she is 8... if she hits a growth spurt I bet she wouldn't look large anymore. Just encourage them to eat healthy and be active as a family.

 

[Spoof]

I don't think she should have blamed Jessica for the food intake. Likely she blames herself for her daughter's weight and is taking the frustration out, I see that in my family too.

I do not believe parents should have any say in the portions a child takes beyond a reasonable age during the holidays. (the age they can reach and dish up their own food)

I have aunts and uncles that dished food up for their kids, kids were expected to eat it all until the age of 14/15. That's extreme micromanagement and control by the parents. It ****s the kids up, every single one of them, they don't know how to fend for themselves when the time comes.

The rest of the gang fixes plates for the young kids but doesn't enforce the eating, and around the age of 5 they are fixing their own. They waste less, go through the "overeating" stages more quickly and learn when they are full by 8 or 9 instead of still gorging themselves at 19 like I watched my cousin do over Thanksgiving.

We're all related, so watching the different parenting styles "new, old and new again" has been interesting.

 

[Riven]

I'm not one for making anyone eat everything on their plate, if my ex ever sees his daughter again he will be made known that it's not healthy and if he ever wants to see his daughter again after that, this rule will not be enforced, but that is a different rant.

I to this day have troubles not eating everything on my plate, because when you're taught that's what you need to do it becomes habit. I feel wasteful for not eating it all. If they're not hungry why make them eat it? My aunt learned not to force her kids to eat when she told my cousin to eat her brussel sprouts ( which my aunt loves ) and made her do it... it was directly followed by regurgitation of brussel sprouts and everything else... lol

Actually your post Spoof made me think of something, control. My SIL usually doesn't have control, he husband makes many of the decisions, including stupid ones like a new Blazer they can't afford... because he wanted it, and his brother being on their phone plan. One thing she is almost all in control of is the kids ( he likes his tv better ) so maybe she's control it, because it's one of the few things she can control. I've personally never cared for her husband, he's not a bad guy, but he doesn't take her feelings into consideration sometimes, or other obligations they have like bills...

 

[ChinchillaSteve]

You're wrong. Sometimes the worst psychological damage comes from parents. She could easily end up with an eating disorder from her mother riding her about her weight.

Well I certainly never experienced it.
I just try to tell what i've been taught.

But honestly i'd rather hear it from my parents then friends.
That's just my opinion, but overweight ain't that common over here.

But some younger children are chubby, I was kind of fat when I was her age, now i'm thin as a rake.

Sorry if people get me wrong.

 

[3CsMommy]

The mother should not have approached it by losing her temper or sounding angry, I totally agree there. I like the idea of suggesting a smaller portion on seconds (and that's what I do with the 3 year old I nanny for). Of course, we also don't know what else they've talked about with the girl's doctor; if there's an underlying hormone imbalance or the beginnings of juvenile diabetes that they haven't told the rest of the family, there could be an element of fear in the mother's reaction as well. I'd quietly take your SIL aside the next time you see her and ask if there's a specific reason she's so reactionary about your niece's eating habits. No sense coming up with a gift or a rant if it's not necessary.

But I applaud you for thinking of what's best for your niece. I wish my own aunts and uncles had done it instead of just "staying out of our business" when they noticed my mother's temper.

 

[3CsMommy]

Well I certainly never experienced it.
I just try to tell what i've been taught.

But honestly i'd rather hear it from my parents then friends.
That's just my opinion, but overweight ain't that common over here.

But some younger children are chubby, I was kind of fat when I was her age, now i'm thin as a rake.

Sorry if people get me wrong.

You're also a bloke, though, and men metabolize foods etc. a lot differently than women, especially once hormones come into play and we get ready for puberty. That's also why overweight men have a somewhat easier time losing weight by increasing their activity level and getting certain carbs out of their diets. Women are a bit more 'designed' to carry fat b/c of the potential for pregnancy. :hair: (Looks at the last 15 pounds she wants to get rid of...)

 

[Bethany2386]

No, Americans are the ones who are obese. I blame it on fast food and bad parenting. If a kid is 8 and is over 100 lbs, then I would have a problem. But I believe that it does do damage to tell a child that they are fat or whatever especially when you are the role model. So, don't worry, you are just in a different culture. One where they teach how and what to eat. And don't have the fast food with the horrible trans fat and grease. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my McDouble every once in awhile, but feeding it to my kids everyday would not be a good choice.

And I am not one to tell my kids that they need to clean their plates. Alot of the times, I still dish out all the food. I tell them that it's ok not to eat everything. And to me, it's not really a waste. I want my kids to eat as much as they want, but as for my stepson, I do have to limit him on the junk. My kids are not fed good things at their house. So, normally, I do not let them have unhealthy food at my house. It's not like I force them to eat salads or anything, but I watch his portions. Another lady at work gives her kids one serving. And when they are finished, they have to wait 15 mins before getting seconds. Normally by the time the 15 mins are over, they aren't hungry. Some people like to eat just because it tastes good, not because they are hungry. And it works for her family. I have done it with my stepson too. He is chunky, but he is 9. He gorges on food though until he makes himself sick. So, I had to start watching his portions. But my stepdaughter on the otherhand doesn't eat her first serving most of the time. She eats until she is full. So, to me, I just think it depends on the situation. But maybe you could suggest the waiting thing to see if in 15 minutes they are still hungry.

 

[Sesame]

I would like to echo some of the other members in saying that your SIL should definitely encourage more healthy exercise activities. Perhaps joining a sports team might be helpful (makes new friends, helps build leadership/teamwork skills) or some other physical activity she would enjoy such as dance/jazz/tap/ballet. Most of all, your niece will hopefully build self-confidence in herself.

It is hurtful to hear it from your mother telling how chubby you are. It would be more beneficial to encourage the young girl into some physical activity she enjoys doing.

Also, perhaps the entire family takes part in something, that will be more encouraging. Sometimes, it's just the fault of the family habits. In general, if the family usually eats unhealthy, then the kids learn those eating habits.

Bethany-- I like that idea of waiting 15 minutes for a 2nd serving. My boyfriend and I are currently still battling the freshmen bulge/bad college eating habits from 5 years ago. Healthy eating and exercise is part of the way, but portion control is the other part of losing weight/keeping the weight off.