Cancer

[Zie]

Not me, my grandma.

I'm wondering, how did any of you with cancer patients in your family deal with it?

My problem is this. I'm not exactly a...family type/people person. I keep to myself, I have like...1 or 2 close friends, that's it, and I enjoy it that way. Very, very, very, very rarely do I get emotional about....well....anything.

I mean...I'm not the kind who hugs and cries with you or anything. It's just...awkward for me. And because of that, she thinks I don't care. I've been holding off on getting a job or moving out because there isn't anyone else here to help her out with anything. But she doesn't believe me, even when I tell her that.

At the beginning of november, my grandma had surgery on both her wrists, and was told she might need her knees replaced. At the beginning of december, she found a lump in one of her breasts, and it turned out to be cancer. End of december, it was successfully removed, and she is now going through chemo. She's losing her hair fast, and she still has to go through radiation.

Basically, for anyone that is anti-social like me and had to deal with something like this, how did you do it? 'Cause feeling awkward is something I do not like at all. Though I do help her out to the best of my abilities. I do all the household chores without a peep, take care of the dog, ect.

 

[alli713]

I'm thinking that you should just come out and say something nice to your grandma, tell her you care about her. So what if it's akward for you? If she thinks you don't care, she needs to hear that you do. I'm sure that it would mean a lot to her.

Besides, her going through cancer/chemo/radiation is a lot harder than it'll be for you to say you care.

 

[Zie]

I do tell her I care, though. Every time she starts crying, I'm the one sitting next to her and hugging her, despite feeling so awkward. I mean....I do everything for her. If I'm feeling bored and artsy, I make little things out of clay for her. If I were able to, I'd run a marathon for her, but a bad ankle and knee prevent me from doing that.

I mean...I know she's depressed. That's understandable and expected. But every time I turn around, she's on to me about something, saying I don't care and only do things if it benefits myself and/or my fiance.

 

[alli713]

oh okay, you made it sound like you never even tried that route

 

[Zie]

xD I have, it's just being uncomfortable makes it difficult. I mean, like I said, I do as much as I possibly can to show I care, and when she's really down and upset, I tell her and we just chill out on her bed and watch TV and stuff, and play with the dog. So she knows I care, but when she tells me that I don't, it just...sucks.

 

[Chinmama]

I know what you mean, I'm the same way. It isn't that you don't care, you just show it in a different way.

I was in a semi-similar situation when my dad was hurt in an accident and had to have his leg partially amputated. When the doctor came in to talk to us after the surgery, my grandparents were crying and very emotional. I felt very awkward because I wasn't crying. I was upset over it, but that just isn't how I'm wired to react.

I typically am pretty emotionless. I think I'm more logical and analytical than emotional. It doesn't mean you're heartless, you've just probably been in situations in life that have made you more self-reliant at an earlier age, which in turn (I think) makes you a less emotional person. You learn at an earlier age to control your emotion and disassociate yourself from things. Been there, done that and could go on for days...lol. I'll stop at that.

 

[Zie]

Exactly! xD lol

You said it perfectly, thank you. xD

I think my mom understands how I am, because I overheard her telling my grandma that I'm not an emotional type of person, but I guess my grandma just...doesn't quite get it, or something.

 

[Sarah Beth]

I dealt with this with my mother.... my mom is the one who is not emotional though. Don't get me wrong she is an amazing woman and I love her so much. She just does not show emotion like this very well. The most I can tell you today is just go on with day to day life. Don't treat her any different. Be upbeat about everything and get her up and doing small things. It is easy to fall into a depression when dealing with any family illness.

Just last week my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was like all those old feelings just came flooding back. It is scary, not fair, and there is really no right way to deal with it. They think they caught it early enough and that everything is going to be fine but they say that they really wont know anything until they do surgery. My aunt breed Springers and she is just one of the most amazing people you could ever meet. She has beat all the odds by just being alive today. She had another type of cancer in her 20's and the doctor told her she only had a few months to live. Well a few months passed and now 30 years have passed She was also told she would never have children. She had FOUR! I have no doubt that this time it will be no different.

I really hope this helps! If you need a shoulder to cry on you can call on me anytime! :hug2:

 

[Laurie]

Zie,
Dealing with cancer is different for everyone. My sister has terminal breast cancer. We learned of this in August and back then we all cried all the time. It's very difficult knowing I'm going to lose not only my sister but my best friend WAY before I should. These days we all spend lots of time together. Cancer shouldn't bring people closer together but it does. We've seen cousins we haven't seen in 4 years--we had a huge benefit for Lisa and childhood friends came--it shouldn't be that way, you should spend time with people you care about and family without the benefit or sadness of cancer, but that's the way it is.
What I've learned through all of this, is everyone deals with this differently. I'm very emotional so I don't go to treatment with Lisa--and she receives chemo 3 times a month, once a week for 3 weeks then has a week off. It's very difficult for me to see her hooked up receiving her "poison". My little sister, Lynelle, is not as emotional as I am, even though she loves Lisa just as much, so she takes her to treatment, she is also serving as Lisa's personal representative--anyway I do other things with Lisa. I spend every Thursday with her cooking for her--we spend the weekend going to the grocery store or watching movies. I send her pictures of the chins everyday--and I call her EVERYDAY just to tell her I love her.
I understand how sad your grandma is--this is very, very scary. There are support groups available to cancer and breast cancer patients (victims as I like to call them).
The most important thing you can do and say is I Love You--so make sure you do tell her that everytime you see her.

 

[Zie]

Here's an awesome example of what I mean:

Right now, she's running around the house saying that me and my sisters are hateful b****es and that we don't do anything and we don't deserve anything, that I'm a heifer. My sister, out of the kindness of her heart, come over here today and cooked dinner for my grandma. Now, my grandma is screaming at her in the kitchen saying that she made a complete mess out of the kitchen (which she didn't) and that the stove is filthy because of my sister.

The stove is a mess because my grandpa cooks greasy things at night when he comes home from work and doesn't clean it. And then she says I do nothing around this house and sit on my a** all day at this computer, all because I forgot to dust on top of our TV. I've done the dishes three times today. I've eaten once, and that was a bowl of cereal this morning when I woke up. Take a guess as to where the other dishes came from.

She is being completely ungrateful for anything. She tells us that we didn't do anything, but if we tell her we did, she still says no we didn't and that she knows everything. I understand, she's sick and doesn't feel well, but this is really, really completely uncalled for. She acted like this even before she was sick, and only got worse after she got sick. It's driving me insane. I do everything for this woman, only to have her come home after work, scream in my face and tell me I did nothing.

 

[pricklesnquills]

My dad had cancer. I'm sorry about your grandma. I know what you mean about not really being emotional. I'm not exactly how you explain, but I'm definetly not the touchy/feely/huggy type. I find that I express myself really well in writing. And I am normally an out going, very talkative person. but I'm not good at just telling people how much I appreciate them. So, maybe you could write her a long letter. Explain that you're uncomfortable, but let her know how much you care for her and love her and want to make her happy Hope that helps!

 

[Rickman]

Zie - I'm a survivor [I hope] as I had lymphoma almost 5 yrs ago. I just looked at it as one more hurdle in life, and am thankful there was sucessful treatment now - 20 yrs. ago, and I'd be dead!
Everyone looks at it different, and will react in different ways! Your grandma finds it hard to accept what's happening, and [ask my family] chemo can make you crazy! After a while, she may come to terms with it, especially if the doctor gives her some good news, such as the levels are going down. All you can do is try to keep her calm, keep her spirits up and be by her side - too emotional can bring her down enough to counter-act the chemo.
Next time someone takes her to the Dr., take some of the pamphlets on the wall, as they help everyone concerned understand what is happening, and how to react when she's upset.
My Mother is currently hospitalized because the reaction to chemo led to pneumonia. At 82, after 9 kids, she has liver canger that has traveled to her lungs. Also, with congenital heart failure, had to cut the chemo in half, but now the levels are slowly climbing again. But she's in good spirits, and will fight to the end, accepting whatever happens. Next few months may be hard!

 

[DaphnesandFreddysmom]

This may just be your grandmothers way of coping. She's going through a hard time and she is stressed and just doesn't know how to deal with it. She probably doesn't mean to be like this.

 

[Diva Chins]

My great uncle died of lung cancer. His way of coping was not telling anyone, none of us knew til the hospital called and said the ambulance brought him in and he was dead. I don't blame him because the men in my family are taught not to express pain or emotion of most kinds, that its too 'feminine' so it's really not his fault.
My mom's best friend Michelle has a rough life. Her mom died of breast cancer, father died of a brain tumor, and her husband died of a brain tumor as well. Now, she has colon cancer that's spreading through her body like wildfire and she's slowly giving up the fight. All we can do is visit her and try and make her feel better, which is easier said than done. She has two children, one daughter in her early teens, a son that's about 8.
But, all you can really do is be there for her. Whenever she's sick from chemo or radiation, just comfort her, maybe try to find her favorite movie and watch it with her, be patient in her angry moments where she can't believe this is happening to her, get the family together to make her feel special and loved. Heaven forbid she loses this battle, but if she does, make sure it was her best last moments.

 

[macygray]

I'm very sorry but put yourself in your Grandma's position. When my Granda had cancer, he didn't know but was sick of being sick and complained at absolutely EVERYTHING. he was over the moon when he seen somebody new. He wasn't the best to deal with even before that but a lot worse once he got sick. Keep going, Zie.

Yes, now I realise how old this thread is, sorry but I am guessing you are still in the same position? Update us.

 

[Sasha]

My Opa has cancer but he will not talk to us, and refuses to let us come over. Though if I had the chance, if he wasn't mad at us over stupid little things out of our control, I'd be there in a heart beat.

 

[addictedtochins]

My mom died of a brain tumor almost 2 years ago. One (of many) stories I will always remember was one time she was at the hospital, I arrived for a visit and she has a tray of food sitting there which was 100% not right for her at the time. It needed to be mushy and fed to her, poor mom was just staring at her tray till she fell asleep. @#!* hospitals. So I keep clicking her button to get someone to help her, no answer for like 20 minutes. Well guess what? I was clicking her morhpine pain med pump LOL. I was exausted or I think I would have figured it out. There was no danger of a overdose because it was timed for 1 dose every 20 mins max. So later I tell mom this story and the first thing she tells everyone for the rest of her life is how I tried to kill her, and she wasn't joking and some people believed her. I took care of her at home till the end and it still hurts a little how she would go on and on about how she was going to live with her nephew Kelly, he did indeed tell her she could come stay with him, but none of them seemed to have any idea of the 24/7 care she needed. They both had busy lives and young children.

 

[Renee]

Z dont take what your grandmom's telling you personal, dealing with cancer is not an easy thing, whether its terminal or caught early and can be treated. It is a scary thing receiving chemo and the thoughts of going through radiation. In your mind your grandma is probably thinking of all the things she wanted to do, your wedding that she wanted to be a part off and not knowing if it will happen.

My husband of 3 years has been diagnose with stage 4 liver cancer last october and it has been a real battle and struggle for us. For him the first few months he just sat there telling me off things that needed to be done and how to do things, when he is gone. For us we know the end is coming and at first we both were very angry but now we dont let the cancer live his life but he is living with cancer. He has accepted it and we go on with life just as we were before.

The first few months is always the hardest particularly on the care giver because you feel helpless because there is nothing you can do, BUT be patient with your granny and just love her and be there, when she talks like a crazy lady, its the cancer talking and she does not mean a thing.

Hang in there kiddo and I will keep you and your granny in my prayers.

 

[Zie]

Oh man, sorry for not updating this, or even logging in for ages. I've been pretty busy lately.

Grandma is doing well now. She finished chemo not too long ago, and she's been MUCH more happy now that it's over with. She's doing radiation now.

The doctors called a week or two ago and said they wanted her to do another 2 rounds of chemo, just to be safe, and boooy, did she tell them off.

But yes, she's doing good now. Thank you, for all the prayers and well wishes. <3