Bad Relationships...BOO!

[caiti]

Ok, so here is a long and serious thread.

I met a boy when I was 14. We started dating and had been on and off for the next decade. We were really close and have been through a lot of stuff together. The last few years, we've basically been dating but no label and had relationship drama, though we were mature about it.

About 2 months ago, he tells me he's been cheating on me and he's leaving me for this other person (whom I know...). I'm crushed, and lie awake at night fantasizing about lighting him on fire, etc. He tells me he regrets what he did and firmly wants us to stay friends if I can do that, and wants to be there for me. I told him I have no idea if I can ever be on friendly terms with him but if it's going to happen, he needs to try VERY hard and treat me entirely differently. It's actually the only time I've seen him scared of me. When we went to talk in a park, I picked up a stick to occupy my hands as I was all crying and angry and he flinched...he thought I was going to hit him with it! That actually made me a little happy.

I have been through so much with this person and was so integrated in his life, I really just don't know what to do with myself. The last time I contacted him was the day we talked, I emailed him and vented some more and asked if he could burn me some Tool and Metallica (weird, I know, but I figured if I'm never gonna talk to him again, might as well milk it). He responds to the CD burning portion of the email and I never respond back. I've decided he is the devil and I will not talk to him, proceed to delete his email address, phone number, all the texts from him, rip up all pictures I had of him and unfriend him on facebook. Ok--it sucks but I'm ok. I try to go out more with friends and what not. I'm taking it day by day, patting myself on the back at the end of every day I haven't talked to him.

Then I get the CDs in the mail a week or so ago. Firstly, the Tool CD is cracked, which is the one I wanted most!! Secondly, he sent the CDs wrapped in a piece of paper which is a letter written in sharpie. The letter doesn't say anything too exciting. Just asks how I'm doing and that he's sorry for the situation and wants to know what's going on in my life. He signs it with an endearment and writes his full name in cursive. The formality of a properly signed letter (which is very unlike him) and the informality of it being written in sharpie made me giggle a bit, to be honest. I figured I wouldn't respond and I put Tool on my christmas list. Problem solved.

But now, I keep thinking about sending him a letter back and it's really distracting. Maybe the anger is going away and the sadness is finally setting in, but I'm finding it harder as time goes on, not easier. All my friends and family just tell me they will kill him for me and that he's horrible, etc. I know they are saying that because they love me and care, but it's not that black and white. I don't hate him--I wish I did. But I am in so much pain, I can't respect him. And I miss him even though he made me miserable.

How do people get over this kind of thing? I've eaten about 25 lindt truffles in the last 4 days and I went through a gallon of ice cream rather quickly when this all happened two months ago. I also put Chloe's cage next to my bed, she cheers me up!

 

[Annieo]

Sorry to hear this Caiti. I think it's a process. You go through many emotions and eventually you will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

[Slanginhard]

sometimes there has been things said and done in a relationship that not even love and time it self cant heal and sometimes the best thing to do is get up and go the opposite way even if that means losing a friend or friends

 

[Lynn & The Chins]

Annie is right, it's just a by product of being human and allowing ourselves to fall in love with another person. It doesn't always work out, so you just keep trying.

Who knows, maybe things won't work out with the other person and you'll get back together. If you don't, oh well.

Just don't mope around and be sad about it all the time. Do something special for yourself and try to get out and about with friends (or new dates) as much as possible so that he will see that you ARE a great girl and he might have made a mistake.

It sounds trite, but it's true, but we all have at least one bad boyfriend/girlfriend that we dated forever and it didn't work out. It's just a part of growing up and maturing.

Pamper yourself and try to feel better...

 

[VolunteerChin22]

First rule of being a girl - you never chase a boy. Period. If he's the one he will chase you and CERTAINLY not cheat on you.

Second, you can't be friends. At least not now. You need to heal and establish your life without him and having him in it with one foot in is only going to be like rubbing salt in a wound. Real talk, especially with a relationship that long, it's going to take at least a year or more before it doesnt make you all queasy inside to talk to him.

Remember everything happens for a reason. He taught you lessons in all parts of your relationship including cheating and leaving you. Your job is to figure out what you take with you to make your future relationships better. One day someone will walk into your life and you will know exactly why it didn't work out.

 

[momenteller]

Ugh, your post was very well-expressed. Made me remember what break-ups are like and how hard they are!

It is true that only time will heal this. As much as you want closure and a chance to vent, I think its better if you cut off communication completely. It will start the healing process that much faster! I used to do some journaling, listen to music, cry, and generally feel sorry for myself. I personally think its okay to let yourself wallow a bit and give yourself time to process. Hopefully you have some friends around you that can give you a kick in the pants when its time to pull yourself out of that rut.

And don't settle for another "undefined" relationship! You deserve to have someone openly declare their feelings for you.

 

[Slanginhard]

First rule of being a girl - you never chase a boy. Period. If he's the one he will chase you and CERTAINLY not cheat on you.

Second, you can't be friends. At least not now. You need to heal and establish your life without him and having him in it with one foot in is only going to be like rubbing salt in a wound. Real talk, especially with a relationship that long, it's going to take at least a year or more before it doesnt make you all queasy inside to talk to him.

Remember everything happens for a reason. He taught you lessons in all parts of your relationship including cheating and leaving you. Your job is to figure out what you take with you to make your future relationships better. One day someone will walk into your life and you will know exactly why it didn't work out.

no offence but that is a scary road to go down first Your a girl so u never chase a guy if hes the guy he will chase u hahaha sorry but that sexiest and ignorant they are equal and both smart enough to know if it worth chasing after. guys and girls makes mistake and sometimes u have to chase to fix that mistake or u will be lonely forever or just have a hubby that despises u. And yes everything does happen for a reason but you dont really have a lesson to learn "like all guys are cheaters or u cant trust no one" life is ruff and we make wrong decisions that lead to all kinds of things just remember there is plenty of fish in the sea and just because one person in a liar doesnt mean everyone else is

Pamper your self!!!

 

[starleomach]

It is hard now it will get better, You need to be happy alone before you will be happy with someone. I bet he has moved on and now wants to see you haven't. It is hard but you need to just cut all ties and heal. I took several years after a bad relationship, then dated a couple of people (not at once) made sure I had my own life without a man under control and when I wasn't looking I found my husband.

 

[Slanginhard]

It is hard now it will get better, You need to be happy alone before you will be happy with someone. I bet he has moved on and now wants to see you haven't. It is hard but you need to just cut all ties and heal. I took several years after a bad relationship, then dated a couple of people (not at once) made sure I had my own life without a man under control and when I wasn't looking I found my husband.

I love it now thats some great advice!!! kudos

 

[VolunteerChin22]

no offence but that is a scary road to go down first Your a girl so u never chase a guy if hes the guy he will chase u hahaha sorry but that sexiest and ignorant they are equal and both smart enough to know if it worth chasing after. guys and girls makes mistake and sometimes u have to chase to fix that mistake or u will be lonely forever or just have a hubby that despises u. And yes everything does happen for a reason but you dont really have a lesson to learn "like all guys are cheaters or u cant trust no one" life is ruff and we make wrong decisions that lead to all kinds of things just remember there is plenty of fish in the sea and just because one person in a liar doesnt mean everyone else is

I have no idea what you mean by a "scary road" to go down and I think you completely misunderstood what I was saying so let me clarify.

I am not saying if you make a mistake not to try to fix it - that's not the same as what I meant which was chasing after someone who has already moved on, as it sounds like he has since he's with someone else. I haven't seen where the OP said or admitted to any major reasons on her part for the relationship breaking down - no one is blameless but she was not unfaithful, he was. For some people that's not a deal breaker but for me that would be.

I have seen tons of friends who kept trying to make something work/chasing something that they knew wasn't going to work out or didn't make them happy and ended up being FWB or just plain looking desperate - not saying that's what OP's doing, just my experience that boils down to one rule - a guy should "chase" a girl - Girls should not run after boys that have done crappy things, caused more drama than happiness, and proven they "just aren't that into you" as so many girls do. Even myself, before I decided if they don't want to be with me/make you important/treat you with respect, I dont want to be with them/make them important/treat them with respect either. I decided I deserved better than that, and so do all other women including the OP.

Slangin, if you don't agree with me that's fine but "no offence" and calling my arguement "sexist and ignorant" aren't exactly on the same terms. I am entitled to my opinion just like you are.

And no where did I say that "all guys are cheaters" that's a completely flawed arguement and generalization. What I said was there are lessons to be learned even from bad parts of the relationship such as his infidelity that she can take forward in life and other relationships. Every one of my ex's has shown me things I did and didn't want in a partner - no one's perfect but you learn about yourself in relationships.

OP, the only thing that will really make you feel any better is time and when you are ready, finding someone you enjoy spending time with who is devoted to you, makes you feel important and a priority to him and like Lynn said proudly gives you a "label"

As for the letter, it could be guilt that he wants to know you are ok or it could be maybe like Kristy said he wants to know you aren't moving on. Some people are crappy like that. I wouldn't write back. He's made his decision and frankly you don't owe him any information on how you are doing now. Lean on friends, breathe and look forward.

 

[Slanginhard]

wow sorry hun i scan read what u said sorry i called u ignorant just bothers me when people judge other people by sex or religion and u said a girl should never chase a guy and its the guys job to chase her if he loves her the only way i can take that is sexiest u didnt say it as only in this case u said it as in relationship as a general :tease:

 

[VolunteerChin22]

wow sorry hun i scan read what u said sorry i called u ignorant just bothers me when people judge other people by sex or religion and u said a girl should never chase a guy and its the guys job to chase her if he loves her the only way i can take that is sexiest u didnt say it as only in this case u said it as in relationship as a general :tease:

No worries:thumbsup: Probably did need more explaination.

 

[pants567]

I honestly know what you're going through. I got out of a similar relationship a little over a year ago. Except I made a lot of the mistakes you're avoiding atm. He cheated on me, then left me for said girl and then about a month later came crawling back... needless to say I took him back and we stayed together for two more years, but the whole time all I could think about was "Is he cheating on me again?" So after all that I broke up with HIM. Anyway, I know how you feel with wanting to hurt him and feeling extremely hurt yourself because in all reality, someone cheating on you hurts a heck of a lot. For now, I'd say just don't talk to him unless you absolutely have to. I know something that really helped me was writing out how I was feeling and then burning said writings (safely of course) or writing a song. Get those feelings out of you in any way you can! Letting them fester will just make things worse. But seriously make some time for yourself, whether it be bubble baths or going to a spa and getting a massage, if you don't already, learn how to play an instrument or take up knitting. Read a couple books. The best thing to do after a relationship ends like this one did is invest in yourself. Do something you've always wanted to do by yourself and you'll feel proud that you accomplished something and it will also distract from the pain. If you absolutely must say something to him, I wouldn't make it anything particularly mean or hurtful. Be the bigger person and just explain how much he hurt you and that maybe someday you can be friends, but right now you need him to leave you alone so you can take that first step by yourself. I rarely talk to my ex now, but we are on decent terms and while I sometimes think about what he did, it hurts a lot less than it used to. I promise you, it will eventually be ok. HANG IN THERE.

 

[Slanginhard]

No worries:thumbsup: Probably did need more explaination.

hehe im going to leave yall girls alone I know how yall team up in a time of need and im alil grumpy today hehe but i know when im in trouble with the misses are shes upset pampering ALWAYS works ...

 

[Laurie]

Caiti I'm sorry you are going through this--it is very hard. Whenever a relationship ends it is usually heart wrenching. The best advice I can give you is no matter how many people tell you that you can be friends with him the truth is you can't. You cannot be friends with him again until you have no feelings of love for him. The more you think of talking to him or writing to him the more you are thinking about him and that means you are not moving on from him. I recommend 2 books to you Don't Call That Man by Rhonda Findling and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt--both of this books can be found on amazon.com

Since you were with him for 10 years it's going to take awhile to get over him and by awhile I mean at least a year. This is a difficult time of year to go through a breakup--I would try to occupy your time the best you can with friends and family.

Don't get down on yourself if you miss him and cry and want him back because these are all things which are perfectly normal.

It sounds so lame to say but the truth is time DOES heal all wounds--the more time you spend away from him the more your heart will move on from him.

 

[Cinder and Me]

Someone once told me that it takes half the time you were together to be honestly over the relationship (so... 4 years together = 2 years to be over it). Yes that seems like a long time, but that doesn't me that during that time you're just laying in bed depressed and downing the rocky road ice cream. You are truly over someone when the thought of them is merely a thought, not an angry miserable thought. Or when you can actually be happy they moved on and are doing well (if of course you broke up on at least somewhat reasonable terms).

My first love and I broke up in college and the only thing that got me through it was being out of the house and not visiting (or being around) spots we frequented on a regular basis. I went out with girlfriends, went to the beach, went to the gym. Changed the radio if a sad song came on and didn't watch sappy romantic movies. To be perfectly honest with you, it took a few years to be 100% ok with our decision (we broke up mutually since we were going in completely different directions in life). But the real pain and heartache didn't last long - time really does heal. The absolute best thing you can do is just stay busy. Just remember, that girl he's with now will have to live day in and day out with the constant reminder that one day he could do the same thing to her and she will be the victim, not the other woman. You on the other hand...are free.

 

[smhluvsmh]

Never make someone your priority, while you remain only an option!

Treat yourself well! You deserve it!

 

[Twilight Chinchillas]

Never make someone your priority, while you remain only an option!

Treat yourself well! You deserve it!

Well said! I couldn't have said it better!

 

[alli713]

Yeah, don't ever settle. I think if someone is going to cheat on a person, they are no longer worth your time. Sorry. Cheating absolutely rules someone out in my book. It's low. To whoever said perhaps you could get back together sometime, I wouldn't. I could never get back with someone who cheated. I get people make mistakes, but to me, that's a huge mistake, and one that is not easily forgiven. You're worth more than that. Find someone who will respect you. You deserve so much more than that. I get that you were together a really long time, and it's going to take a lot of time to get over that. Hang in there.

 

[Dolyphinm]

Caiti,

I've dealt with some rough patches with my fiance' and yet still I do choose to remain with him. Granted he didn't go to the same extent. I believe an ex is an ex for a reason. He wanted to be a jerk and just leave. That's not giving you what you deserve. All relationships are 2 way streets. Granted even in long term ones it isn't always balanced but it will balance out down the road. This sounded like it was all one sided not a 2 way street.

Keep yourself busy and give Chloe extra lovings. Pets are very helpful in healing broken hearts. Most importantly don't feel guilty if you get feelings of why can't I just hate him and be over with it. It's normal. Cry when you feel like it, but make sure you get happy times too.