baby mama in laws

[Jadebf700]

I am new to being a step mom and really haven't had the opportunity yet but I am having huge issues with my husbands son's mother. I don't get it directly from him and it feels like she has a huge amount of control over him. Has anyone else had this problem?

It has just recently taken a turn to be about me. She says recently that I am a liar and untrustworthy and would tell it to a judge.

The liar part comes to play when I had her son and another 4 year old boy for the night. Gabriel, his son, who is from arizona which is three hours behind us, has a little trouble falling asleep. Finally went to sleep around 1230AM and woke up when the other little boy got up at 7. She seems to think her son didn't sleep at all! She said she could tell he didn't sleep. Frankly, I wouldn't have slept if he didn't go to sleep because that would have been irresponsible.

Untrustworthy comes into play with life insurance money. Hubby's all comes to be with a list of what is done with it including a college fund for Gabriel if he is old enough otherwise it will go to Gabriel to be used for certain things. She thinks I won't follow through with it. Don't know why though.

Sorry for the rant. The controling part is that he had to promise her he wouldn't tell me what she said. The confusing part... She tried to skype call me after they talked...

 

[Rickman]

First thing a judge would consider is 'jet lag' and it's effects on a child - could take a week or more to straighten out!
The executor or trustee of an estateMUST follow what is written and witnessed in a will! They have no choice - right or wrong!
Ex sounds like a paronoid, over-protective mother unhappily seperated from her child, looking to start crap! She may/may not get over it - give it time!

 

[mishellyshel]

ahhhh......baby mama drama!
My fiance' has 2 boys currently aged 8, 6 and i have 1 son aged 8. We have been together for about 4 years. I have a great relationship with my x-husband, his baby mama hates him with a passion!
His kids mother is a complete and utter nut job.. she has had both her children on anti-psychotic medicine since they were both 3 and got them on it by lying to the dr. In the past 4 years she has accused me of beating & touching her children. (because i would help them bathe since they couldnt on their own). in the beginning she hated me so much and was SO jealous of me that she would lie to her children about me and their dad. she kept us from seeing them many times. would lie that they were sick when they werent. i could tell stories for hours on end.
she just recently found out that is anything happens to my fiance' i am the beneficiary of his insurance policy. i jokingly mentioned that her kids should be nice to me, really just to piss her off. but i would never deny them of what is rightfully theirs, but at his request I get to control the money because she is incapable of doing that for her children.
She got fired from her job, is trying to claim disability for both herself & her one son since he has some "mental & learning disabilities" and she lives off the child support.
and harasses me when it is late.
she asks us for money all the time. never has food in the house, the kids are filthy & they smell. we have had to call DYFS more than once. It has been a long hard road.
I refuse to give her money, however; we will take the boys shopping and send them home with some food and snacks for their lunch. We spend about 200 dollars on them for school shoes, clothes, backpacks, etc... even though we pay her support.
The only advice that I can offer you is that I tell her what she wants to hear and kill her with kindness. She mostly prefers to speak to me instead of her kids dad. she really hates him that much. While she has improved, I dont trust her completely. So I keep a notepad and write down all issues. When the kids are sick, when they repeat something she said bad about one of us, when they are dirty or bruised. everything with the date and time. I have also taken photos of things, such as the severe sunburn they received when she neglected to put sunscreen on them and they were blistering. Pictures of bruises inflicted by thier grandfather, whom they all live with. anything that we feed is out of the ordinary or deemed as neglect.
We have all 3 boys every other weekend and one or two nights during the week, so we see them often and we try to do fun stuff with them. But sometimes I find it difficult because I just want to spend time with MY son. I dont want to have to do everything together. but we manage. xanax helps. lol

 

[alli713]

I guess if it were me, I'd tell your husband that he's your husband and so he needs to defend you and not listen to her nagging on you. It isn't right, and if she's talking badly about you to him, he should really put a stop to it. Either tell her it's not appropriate or when she starts talking badly about you, tell her it's not appropriate and if she continues, hang up the phone.

And then, I wouldn't see the point of him telling you what she said. It's obviously not going to be nice, so what's the point of telling you? If you two don't get along, just reiterating what she says badly about you isn't going to help.

I'm not sure of the whole story, but when you said that she made him promise not to tell you, I don't think that that's a type of conversation they should be having. You should be his priority, not his son's mother who he's no longer with.

 

[tunes]

Pffft - that's the cry of the desperate ex. They are always going to take you to court and do this and do that. It rarely happens A) because they don't have the money, and B) because after they consult a lawyer and see a physician, they don't have a leg to stand on. Frankly, whether she claims you lie or not isn't going to change anything anyway. They are going to have to prove neglect or abuse in order for any wheels to start turning and nowadays it's pretty hard to prove. The untrustworthy part is laughable as well. She can't control who her exhusband appoints as his trustee and a judge will laugh in her face about it. If the state requires he carry life insurance in case of his death, to provide for his child, that's ALL they are going to require. They are not going to tell him who he can or cannot have to take care of that money. If they did, it surely wouldn't be his ex-wife. They would make him appoint an attorney or a nonbiased third party.

Other than my ex thinking that child support is voluntary rather than mandatory, and thinking that that's all he ever has to put forth for his kids, I've got it pretty easy. He hasn't seem his kids in 4-1/2 years (HIS choice), I don't have to share holidays or anything else, and now my kids are at an age where they can just tell him to go piss up a rope if they don't want to visit. He's completely destroyed any relationship he might have ever had with his kids, which would be sad if he wasn't worth less than the scum I scrape off my shoe when I come in from the barn. Look up a sociopath in the dictionary, Mark's picture will be there on bold display. <rolls eyes>

As far as what can you do? Not a thing. You can document all the allegations and what actually happened so that it's completely well thought out and on paper for if it ever becomes an issue. Things have a way of clouding in your mind over time, so it's best to keep record of it. Try and use the same pen all the time, attach it to the notebook. Sounds weird, I know, but when we did courses for confidentiality and medical records changing that were mandatory for work, they said they can date ink to within 3 months of when it was manufactured which is how a lot of times people get caught in insurance fraud or record tampering, by using ink that couldn't possibly have been manufactured at the time of the event. Other than that, the absolute worst thing you can do is just ignore her. Pretend she doesn't exist. That will irritate her more than any nastiness, niceness, or any other action you could take. As my BIL says, "She's a nonperson. I do not acknowledge nonpersons." Killing her with kindness just ends up biting you in the butt because she'll manage to turn it around on you. When you see her, for pick ups or drop offs, say hello and good-bye, and let it go at that.

Oh, and tell your husband to grow a pair. If he still wanted his ex-wife running his life, he should have stayed married to her. He's not anymore, and he owes her NO allegience or silence when it comes to issues discussed. He's going to foster distrust between the two of you, and that is exactly what the ex is aiming for. Let him know in no uncertain terms, this is not acceptable behavior and it will not be tolerated.

 

[Brittney]

Oh geeze. This sounds exactly like what I grew up with, only the stepmom was causing the problems.

When my dad married my stepmom, my mom was respectful and kept her opinions to herself. My stepmom, on the other hand, kept bashing my mom right and left and would even call child protective services on her. It was crazy and my mom did nothing wrong. When my brother and I got older, she told my dad that we were old enough and he should stop paying child support and use that money to help support her 2 kids from a previous marriage and all of a sudden, she was pregnant with his kid now... we were 12 and 15... He gave in and quit paying it. My mom was a single mother at the time and needed child support to help pay for school supplies and medical bills. He only continued paying when my mom took him to court.

Now that my brother and I are adults, we don't put up with it anymore. We don't even talk to our father unless the stepmom is out of the room and has no input on what he says, and it has been about 2 years since I have personally talked to anyone on the father's side.

Coming from the child's position, like Tunes said, my father has ruined any possible relationship he has, or would ever have with me, and honestly, I could care less. I have a wonderful stepfather now who has bought me a car, stood by my side in court, put a wonderful roof over my head, paid for my college, and gives me food and clothes to wear. In the 7 years my mom has been married to him, he has done more for me than my father has in the 20 years he has known me. If you ask me, my stepfather is more of a father than my father, or "sperm donor" as my mother likes to call him, has ever been.

Best thing you can do it talk to your husband. He shouldn't let her talk to you like that. It's just not right.

And I agree, he divorced her for a reason, he shouldn't let her rule his life/actions. If he wanted that, he should have stayed with her.

 

[Jadebf700]

He evidently had more cahonas than I thought. He stood up for his family and stuff. I got the short part of the story. He told her that she should woman up and tell me what she thought of me herself rather than behind my back. He gave me the decision of knowing or not knowing.

 

[ABBY W.]

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. Anything you do is probably going to be met with nastiness. That has far more to do with the ex's feelings about your husband than anything about you. All you can do is try to stay away from her, let your husband handle her, and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, in case of a court situation.

 

[Laurie]

As someone who has gone through this, I can offer: do your best.
I know it's difficult. I was lucky and my son has a nice stepmom. His father is a dick, but his stepmom is nice. I don't talk to my ex at all, and he hasn't seen Stewart in about 5 years. Stewart doesn't speak to him or speak of him. to me it's okay, but also sad. Each party has to make an effort to keep a relationship alive. It's just as much the responsiblity of the child as it is the parent to work on a long distance relationship. If the child doesn't make an effort nor the parent make an effort it will fail.
It was difficult for me to ship my son off to Texas and Virginia, knowing he could die on a plane full of strangers--virtually die alone should something happen. That was always a thought I had.
Gary had Stewart babtized in the Catholic church for heaven sake! I was very upset as I'm Lutheran, but that was his lie to make. He promised his church Stewart would be raised a good Catholic, and he sure wasn't LOL!
What's the worse thing you can do? Talk bad about the other parent in front of the child. I know it seems like a no brainer, but so many people forget and dont do this. To this day my son does not like my mother at all because she was constantly talking bad about his father. Not ever to Stewart, but within hearing distance of Stewart.
It's the old, I can say whatever bad things I want too about my mom, but don't YOU say anything bad about my mom. That's just how it is. He doesn't like my mother because of all the bad things she said about his dad, even though he's not real big on his dad to this day.
Try your best to always consider the child, because when it comes down to it, and in my opinion, the child is the most important thing.
Unfortunately your husband will be forever tied to his exwife because they have a child. But someday when he's an adult that tie could fall away.
In the meantime, document the trouble you have. And honestly just say this to yourself. There are worse things in life than being called a liar or untrustworthy.