When is it time to face facts?

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Thank you all for your advice... I really, really appreciate it. One of his groomsmen was having a housewarming party today, and they were discussing the wedding. I actually had to go home because I got so physically ill that I came very close to fainting. I know that's a big hint that my body is sending me. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I know I should be excited... I just can't make myself feel that way.

I wish I knew what the best way to go about this was. How do you call off a wedding without hurting the groom, the parents and everyone else? What about the wedding party that bought their attire? How does this all work?
 
ETA: I see I took so long to post I wrote this before you decided to call it off. That's good, I support you (hugs)

First you need to be 100% healthy and gain a little weight back. Becoming more vocal and standing up for yourself is a learned behavior and I'm glad you have realized that sooner than later. Being a people pleaser is Ok to a degree as long as the person you are trying to please is someone who is worthy of that, and won't abuse that. Such is not the case here. I have been married 19 years and at times I must admit at times he was just someone bringing money into the house. I think that can be said of many couples. My MIL was pretty bad too, among other things she offered to pay my husband Glenn $100,000 to divorce me. For no reason mind you, I haven't done anything wrong, cheated etc. Glenn had to choose me over her and stopped contact with her. My thoughts and healing prayers are with you. Theresa
 
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I'm so sorry that this is such a hard time for you Courtney. I agree with what's been said, it does sound like you do need to at least delay the wedding until you can get to the bottom of what's causing your feelings. I hope that you can get everything sorted out and come to a decision that makes YOU feel good.

I do have a happy ending story for you though. My mom and dad met as teenagers and broke up and got back together several times before getting married when they were both 20 years old. It's now 41 years later and they're still together, and still in love.
 
Courtney,
I'm going to keep this real for you. You CAN'T call off a wedding without hurting feelings. So you need to accept that now. Your fiance will be hurt, other's will be hurt, just as you yourself will be hurt. But NO ONE EVER DIED OF A BROKEN HEART or a called off wedding. So there, while it's painful, while feelings will be hurt, death won't occur. So really not as bad as you might have thought.
And honestly you will be doing more than just yourself an injustice if you go through with it and then wind up divorced and resentful.
Now what I will tell you is, the sooner the better! Don't be standing there in your dress with a church full of people and tell the minister/priest YOU DON'T and walk away.
If this is how you feel then you need to do this asap, as in right now. The sooner the better for everyone involved.And honestly you need to call someone for help--emotionally help and well being. This is going to be a very stressful time for you and you'll need the help of a professional to keep you on track and getting on with your life.
No one is at fault here Courtney, so don't do the blame game. Things just didn't work out, that's all.
 
Thank you, ladies. I appreciate your input more than you'll ever know. I think I'm going to sit down with Adam tomorrow and have a chat with him about how I don't think it's the right time for us to get married. He'll have the choice of staying with me, or leaving... I won't beg him to stay if he wants to go. Then we'll call our parents and let them know what's happening. They'll get the choice to call their respective guest lists, or provide the numbers to us to call. I think the responsibility to call these people and pay back the parents will fall to me.
 
Courtney, no matter what you will get through this and eventually you will get past this. As much as it sounds ridiculous it is true.
 
addictedtochins said:
My MIL was pretty bad too, among other things she offered to pay my husband Glenn $100,000 to divorce me. For no reason mind you, I haven't done anything wrong, cheated etc. Glenn had to choose me over her and stopped contact with her. My thoughts and healing prayers are with you. Theresa
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Holy cripes. This absolutely takes the cake!! :shocked:
 
eroomlorac said:
Holy cripes. This absolutely takes the cake!! :shocked:
Click to expand...

LOL Not to one-up anyone, but my MIL created a fake IM account when we were in college, posed as a fellow college student (a hot girl) and tried to get my hubby to "meet her" for sex, she said she wanted him to know there were other girls out there and he wasn't "stuck" with me; most recently she inquired about hiring someone to have me shot and killed.

OY! I feel your pain. My husband has also made the choice to estrange us from her, she is just nuts!

Anyway, to get back on topic, I know this is going to be very hard and upsetting for you, but I think you are making the right choice. Stick to your guns, no matter what. You have to do what's right for YOU.
 
Excellent advice Laurie. Prolonging it is going to be like taking off a band-aid a tiny bit a time. Better to rip it off and get it over with.

Courtney, we will all be thinking of you and sending long distance support as you deal with this difficult situation. It's not going to be easy and it is going to hurt, but hopefully when you come out on the other side, you'll feel relief and start to get your health, and life, back on track.
 
Courtney I wish you the best in dealing with your situation. As I was sitting here reading your posts I was hoping that you would call off the wedding because a wedding should not make a person feel the physical affects that you are, it should be a happy occasion, even if a bit nerve-wracking. I hope that your fiance can support your decision and that if it is meant to be he will stay with you, if that is what you truly want. Marriage and relationships in general evolve over time and change in many ways so really think about your feelings. If he isn't the first person you want to see when you wake up and the last before you go to sleep then maybe he isn't the one you should marry. We all have doubts sometimes but at the end of the day you have to be sure he is the right one for you and only you can decide that. Best of luck to you, hugs being sent your way.

To Abby: MIL is super scary and should be put away...
 
Courtney, I am so sorry that you need to make this decision. I believe you already know what you "need" to do. Your health is what is important now. Good Luck--and I am positive it will all work out for the best in the end.
 
Courtney said:
Then we'll call our parents and let them know what's happening. They'll get the choice to call their respective guest lists, or provide the numbers to us to call.
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*their* guest lists? ... that you don't have contact info for many of them?

I thought this was YOUR wedding, and thus, you get to invite the people YOU want to invite. which means you ought to have the contact information for most/all of them already.

Sounds like the whole wedding has gone out of control. It sounds like overall your mother has been okay about it... but Adam's needs a good thunk on the side of the head with a brick.

I have been not invited to weddings of close friends because they were trying to keep their guest lists down. I have been to the receptions but not the weddings of other friends because they wanted the wedding to be small and private, but were ok with having a party afterward. I have been last-minute-invited to weddings of friends who had last minute cancellations and they didn't want the place setting to be wasted ;P Yeah it hurts a little to not be invited but not being on a wedding guest list is not the end of the world. I've gotten over it.

You said someone (I forget if it was your mom or his mom) said that weddings and funerals are the only time for everyone to get together so of course everyone has to be invited... has she never heard of the concept of the family reunion? A non-wedding-nor-funeral-associated event in which everyine gets together? Or maybe everyone can get togther for Christmas or something? Weddings are AN excuse for family gatherings, but shouldn't be the ONLY excuse for it...

Good luck with everything. Stress can make you ill, and it sounds like this whole thing is nothing but stress for you. I know that you tend to worry about things, and are something of a perfectionist, and try hard to make everyone happy... and I think this combination plus the added aggravation of Adam's mom and your crazy aunt and everything getting more and more out of your control is getting to you. Take a deep breath. Good luck with your talk with Adam. I hope you find a solution to this, because this is not worth making yourself sick over.

[if you do decide to delay it (and maybe even if not?)... I do believe that you can hire professional wedding planners? Or maybe even one or two of your bridesmaids/groomsmen can take this role... that way, someone who is ON YOUR SIDE is in control, but you don't have to worry about it as much yourself? might be expensive to get a pro, but might provide the third neutral party to help tone down the battle-of-the-mothers? You can't be the only one with this problem out there, and it would seem like a good wedding planner would know how to handle it...]
 
No, I don't have the contact information for over 50% of the guest list. Each family was given 60 spots to invite...after I was bullied into it. My parents scrimped and cut numbers until they got to 64 people. On her own accord, my mom cut out kids and people they didn't really talk to. His parents gave me a list of 94 people and a bunch of guilt because of it. On that list is people that his mother rarely talks to, girlfriends we've never met and family that Adam himself admits that he never talks to or doesn't like. All these people were invited because they'd be hurt if they weren't. A great deal of these people, I've never met. The ones I have don't even know me because they only see us once a year. At the family reunion this year (yes, they have those yearly), no one made an effort to see or talk to us. We had to go to each family and reintroduce ourselves, and a vast majority didn't even know who I was... even though they'd met me the year before.
 
Your potential mother in law needs a good hard kick where the sun doesn't shine, and if her son's not man enough to do it, you might have to. (Yes, I realize that's harsh, but I have a long-running grudge against controlling pains in the butt that don't realize where their jurisdiction ends.) And yes, it's okay to get mad, as long as you don't cause any physical harm to anyone. Go ahead and yell when it comes time! You'll feel *SO* much better. (Been there, done that first hand.) I'm sending you a healthy dose of my temper and *lots* of strength Sweety. You're going to need it to get through this.
 
Well. That went famously. Adam took it in stride, and called his parents. Both figured I should be on drugs and that I should just go through with it. My mom just asked that I not cancel anything right now and come over and talk about options. She said she understood exactly how I felt and she would rally for me.
 
Great, Courtney. I'm glad you had the courage to get the ball rolling, or to stop it, so to speak. I know it is difficult but it is the right thing to do for you right now.
 
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