So... when exactly do you heal?

[chin_gal]

Mods, if this is in the wrong section, feel free to move it. I wasn't sure if this was fit for the memorial section since I'm kind of asking a question, I'm not sure... Sorry if it is.

So, I'm not sure how many of you on here know/remember me from when I was very active on Chins-n-Quills and in the beginnings of this forum, but I have been inactive for quite a while now. I recently came back asking for advice since my chinchilla Charlie was sick (he's better now, btw!), and that just reminded me of how much I don't come here anymore. That.. and me just posting a picture of Marlow in the ebony thread really set me off... not sure why I thought that was a good idea.

It was about 2 years ago now, that I went through something awful with my chins. I had taken a few of my chins to the York show in 2009, and a few days later (still have no idea if the show is related or not to what happened), I found my chinchilla Marlow dead in his cage. I had a necropsy done, and it was found that he had intussusception. They said it could have been caused by a parasite, so they wanted to do a fecal on my other chins. Well, when the results came back two days later, it turned out they did have giardia, so we were about to start treatment. As I was getting the weights of the chins for the dosages, I then found my oldest chinchilla Schroeder dragging his back legs. We rushed him to the vet, and they said there wasn't much they could do in his condition and his age, so they recommended that I put him down. So that night, I walked out of there with my oldest chinchilla in a box, along with the meds for the rest of the chins. I took him a few days later to get cremated.

So, I start giving everyone their medications. They actually seemed to be doing better. Well, after a few days had passed, I then found my darling chinchilla Indigo dead in his cage. 3 chins gone in about 4-5 days. I was heartbroken.

So, we now figure it's time to go to another vet, and he agreed to see all of my remaining chins. Well, he put them on panacur, and after treatment, they finally got better. But, it was a very long time before I could wake up in the morning and not be afraid to look into their cages, afraid I would find one of them dead. And still until this day, I just can't bring myself back to this forum.

I'm crying right now as I'm typing this, it hurts so much...My chinchillas are being very well cared for, but I am so much more distant with them now. I still love them with all of my heart, and I still give them scritches and will talk to them, and love nothing more than giving them new things to chew and munch on... but still, something's not the same. Why can't I seem to heal? It's almost been two years... and all I find myself doing is more or less distancing myself from the chinchilla world as much as possible. And that is something I used to love almost more than anything. I'm not quite sure why I made this thread, just trying to figure out why I can't move on... What have others done that have gone through so many losses in such a short bit of time? Will this ever pass?

RIP my sweet babies. :tissue:

Marlow:

Indigo:

Schroeder:

 

[RDZCRanch]

You don't really "heal" from losing chins. I've lost four within a week, and it's always my favorite four that I lose. Heck, last year I lost my beige female that was the first GSC from my breeding. I don't believe your guys got giardia from the show. Giardia, like most parasites take a couple of weeks of incubation before you see any symptoms. Most likely, Marlow stressed a little bit from the show which lowered his immune system enough for the giardia to wreak havoc on his system.

What I always do and have always done, is throw myself even deeper into my chinchillas and concentrate on getting the rest to survive. There isn't really anything to do but move on and concentrate on what you still have and the chinchillas that still need you and rely on you and love you.

 

[Laurie]

Brittney I'm sorry for your loss. I also don't have a solid answer for you. I have a chin I accidentally killed in our recliner over 3 years ago and I still think of him and cry. I harbor such guilt over that, so much so I don't really allow playtime for the 9 chinchillas I have. I had to put my cat, Sam, to sleep in July and I still cry most nights over him. I don't believe there is any set time to heal--grieving is a process that has to complete to the individual.

Just know that you are not alone in your sadness--many of us have been there.

 

[starleomach]

I am not sure you ever fully heal. Anything you love changes you and affects you and when it is gone it always holds a little of you.

 

[mercynursie]

I've lost many pets,my lifelong dream horse,a parent,and grandparents.I've survived cancer x2 diferent kinds.You never "heal".You just hold on to the precious memories from the past and wake up each day knowing that everything has changed.Whenever I find myself avoiding situations, or becoming detached I try to think and realize that whatever loss I have suffered,the lost do not want us to stop living.The lost want us to enjoy life and it's precious moments even more.:flowers7:

 

[chin_gal]

Thank you so much for the kind words, everyone! Sorry it took me so long to respond, I got really sick for the past few days.

I guess I realize that I'll never just be "over them", and I certainly don't want to be. It's just the moving on factor. I had no idea that it could be so debilitating. I mean, I've lost pets before, but never so many at once. Posting this thread though was something that I think has definitely helped me. I don't think I had ever properly grieved their loss, I just kind of shut down. Heck, Schroeder's ashes are still up in our living room in the same, plain white plastic box that they sent him home in. I was going to get him a really nice urn, and get a really nice picture of him framed and set it up there with him. Just... never happened. That is something I am definitely going to make a strong effort to do, and maybe I can continue to recover.

I do feel kind of funny now that I posted this thread. I realize so many people have lost pets/people that are close to them, and it probably seems really selfish of me. But, I was feeling weak at that moment, and I really needed to let it out. I do think it has helped though. ) Thank you everyone. :hug4: And thank you so much for sharing your stories, as well. I'm so sorry for your losses.