I'm struggling with this

[Laurie]

On Saturday mom, Nel and I are attending a handling/dealing with grief during the holidays. It's being held at the funeral home where Lisa's memorial was. These people were absolutely wonderful to us so I am looking forward to attending. My struggle is with simply not wanting to celebrate a holiday without Lisa. I don't care about Thanksgiving or Christmas or most definitely my birthday. I can't imagine any of these times of celebration without her. Mom is wondering what to do with the money she would normally spend on Lisa and I think this is just insane! Lisa would say, don't spend it mom! She's wondering should she buy something for the less fortunate--should she send it to the Breast Cancer research--what should she do?
Lisa's sons are jerks--flat and simple. They did not love their mother or care enough to be with her at the end of her life--I don't care to be around them or have anything to do with them, and yes I know that's not what Lisa would have wanted, but too bad. So I don't want them to be a part of our holiday--they couldn't even give her an hour out of their days--an hour out of their week when she was dying so why should I want to be around them?
I just don't know how to go into this thing on Saturday. I feel childish because I don't want to celebrate with out her, yet I know I still have a family to love and be with--and I do love them. It's just that when I'm with my family now--each time, I am constantly reminded one of us is gone and will always be gone. Lisa's death changed our family dynamic, never again will we be Laurie, Lisa and Lynelle--it's strange and foreign and uncomfortable.
Does this seem like normal behavior after losing my beloved sister? Does it seem selfish on my part--and if so is it all right to be selfish?

Any thoughts are welcome.

 

[3CsMommy]

Yes, it's normal. No, it's not selfish; it's how you feel. Now, chewing your nephews a new one every time you see them b/c of how they were while their mother was ill-- that would be selfish on your part. If Lisa would be able to forgive them, the least you can do for her sake is get it off your chest and then try to forgive too. It's gotta suck pretty hard to watch your (young) mom wither like that, and everyone grieves differently.

That said, my grandfather went into the hospital on Thanksgiving day 1987 and was gone 2 weeks later. (I was 6. Talk about confused! Grandpa left and then Santa came.) Someone thought it was brilliant to use Pointsettias as his flowers at the funeral. Wth? I hate those flowers to this day. Anyway, fast forward to 2003, when my Grandmother went into the hospital on 12/12th. Her funeral was 12/23rd. What my mother and aunts and uncle were advised to do was to change the routine. So, instead of everyone descending on my aunt and the traditional spread on Thanksgiving day, she went to her sister-in-law's and we (Mother, Daddy and I) had a little bird at home... that I cooked! Mother sat back and watched the parades and football games. Dad puttered in the yard, and I stuck my hand up a turkey's backside. Different? Ohhh yeah....

Christmas was switched so we were all together Christmas Eve instead of the next morning, and my aunt (finally!) went to her sister and brother-in-laws for Christmas Day presents and breakfast. They'd only been inviting her since she was married in 1976, but Grandmother always insisted we all meet at my aunt's house, so that's how it was. (She was a bit... tyrannical, and not one of my favorite people. It's okay to say things like that too sometimes.)

So, how can you change it up? Instead of the big ol' circus of traditional foods, etc., what if you order pizza and get an ice cream cake? Take everyone to see a new release movie at the theater (this is what we ended up doing after Thanksgiving dinner). Go to a homeless shelter and scoop a stranger's stuffing. Fire up the barbecue and have burgers and hot dogs while watching "Beach Blanket Bingo" and all those other corny beach movies. There's no reason you have to keep the same routine to celebrate time with your family. Whatever makes it fun is what Lisa would want you to do. She sure as heck wouldn't want you to mope.

*hugs* The first holiday without someone is always tough. It gets easier with time, though I know that's so cliche it's annoying. It's just cliche b/c it's surprisingly true in a number of cases.

 

[mercynursie]

Hi Laurie! Yes, everything you are feeling now is normal. When my Dad passed away,our family had a hard time with holidays and still do to some point(Daddy died October 23,2002).My brother and sister both wanted to change our traditions for the holidays( I was 34,brother 40 and sister44).We are a very close family too. We changed things around a bit, but it didn't matter, there was always an empty spot in our lives. There always will be.My mom says holidays,anniversaries,and the day Daddy died are the hardest for her.I don't really have certain days/events but the saddness and grief just seem to come from nowhere for the most part though I try to celebrate my Daddy's life and appreciate all he taught me.You will never fill the void in your heart ,but it will eventually hold special memories. Just remember that every day we live- our lives change. I will keep you in my prayers.:flowers7:

 

[tunes]

Ditto what the others have said Laurie. The first Christmas my dad was gone was awkward, and sad, and it felt empty. I even had it at my house instead of my mom's as we would traditionally do, because I thought it would help. It didn't. It was as though we shouldn't have bothered at all. There was no laughing, no insulting each other, we ate, we opened presents, everybody left.

Don't "plan" to go into the meeting at all. Just go. Don't think about how to act or what to do. Just go in with an open mind. The people there were absolutely incredible, from the way they set up the funeral, to the way they handled the mourners. Everything was very tasteful and aimed at showing what a tremendous person Lisa was. Trust them to know how to do this. They've helped with the healing process of more than their fair share of broken hearts.

It will get better Laurie. It's the first year, and the first is always the hardest, but it will eventually, over time, get better.

 

[Stackie]

My family is going through the same thing Laurie. Today marks 3 months since my grandpa died and I'm already dreading the holidays. We used to host Chirstmas at my grandparent's every year and my grandma has already decided it's not going to happen this year.

 

[tkc1038]

The Holidays were and still are the hardest for me when My mother passed 11 yrs ago we all decided that for the holidays there was NO PRESSURE to celibrate together, we picked a day in the spring where we get together and exchange gifts eat turkey and the stuff that goes along with the holidays BUT not all the traps. I still miss her to this day the Holidays were HER if that makes any sense. My only advice is when the time comes to get together dont dwell on her illness celibrate her life and what gifts of love sisterhood and I am sure her humor gave to everyone.

 

[Remyma0408]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. If it helps at all, I feel the exact same way. Like, exactly. My grandma died a couple months ago. (Darnit, I'm tearing up writing this) Anyways, I was at work last week unwrapping Christmas cards to be put on display and I nearly lost it. Especially the "grandmother" ones. Her birthday was also in December. So, it will be a hard month for our family. The only thing that keeps me going is Remy. I know I have to be strong for him, and he gives me reason to celebrate the holidays. I just wanted to offer hugs, and want you to know that you are not alone. PM me if you need me.

 

[Harleychin]

15 years ago on December 3 my sister Jamie was driving home from her work holiday party when she fell a sleep at the wheel and we lost her.My brother Jeff saw her car and her(I won't get into the details.)Thank goodness the police were there and able to hold him back ,he saw to much as it was.
We all fell apart.To make things worse her daughters and my son were so young.We would have skipped the whole the thing but we had these little kids and we didn't want them to remember Christmas as a sad time.So we drug out the tree and all the fixxings of the holidays.At first we faked our smiles,but then somthing changed.We sat on floor putting togeather the kids toys they had just opened.Watching them play and playing with them helped heal our souls.As I watched our children I knew she would always be with as long as we had each other.Things will never be the same with out my sister but now we talk about all the fun we had and how lucky we were to have as long as we did.My point is your allowed to feel how ever you feel.Somthing so simple as childs laugh will come out of no where and bring a little light in your life.
I'll be thinking of Lisa this year too.She had to a great person,cause you sure are!
I don't know her sons and all I can say about them is.We're they selfish or were they unable to handle what was going on?Some of use are strong enough to hold our loved ones as they pass and some of us think if we keep running it won't be able to catch us.
Take time to heal and know it,s OK to smile,cry,scream and dream.

 

[Rickman]

My Mother left us the same day as Lisa - and we're still unsure of the holidays!
The youngest sister, who also was the closest, usually has both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she's having problems dealing with many things, and I'm very hesitant about even asking her - don't want to push her over the edge! And she seems pretty close!
Laurie - I know you feel bad about your nephews, but everyone handles dying and death in a different way - some can't even face or accept it!
I think I'd confront them one on one, and find out their exact feelings, as they might even need help dealing with it!!

 

[lauralynne]

Laurie, it is absolutely normal and not selfish in the slightest. How you handle it is completely up to you. Some find it better to start new traditions. After my mother-in-law passed away at age 46, we felt that it was important to keep the traditions we had, because she absolutely loved the holidays.
You can't change the fact that it will be different and feel empty without her. The holidays are the toughest times after the loss of a loved one. But, you WILL get through them, as hard as it may be.
One of the things we do as a family is to continue to have cake and ice cream on my mother-in-law's birthday. It is so wonderful and it feels good to celebrate the life she had here, even though she's in a better place now.

 

[eroomlorac]

My very dearest Laurie. I know how you feel. It is exactly the way I felt when my Mother died the Monday before Thanksgiving many years ago. And to be honest, my holidays have never been the same since. Not that they are terrible, but the are just different. My Mother was the hub of the family. She made the holidays special for children and her grandchildren. She organized and planned and it was always wonderful. Now, no matter who does the planning, it's just not the same as it was when my Mother was alive. Your holidays will be different from now on but that doesn't necessarily mean 'bad'. You all will learn how life will go now that Lisa is gone. Your grief group sounds great. You mentioned "I just don't know how to go into this thing on Saturday."
Just go and see where it takes you. I know it's hard, Laurie. But over time your family will learn how to work around that empty spot that Lisa left. It will never be the same, it will be different but you will survive. I wish I could take some of the burden off you.

 

[beanjelly]

Laurie, I know there's not much I can say to help, but just wanted to let you know we're all here for you. *hugs* to you and your family during this difficult time.

 

[Bethany2386]

We lost my grandma in 2001 right before the holidays... She was always the one who put everything together! It was the hardest Thanksgiving and Christmas that year. No homemade ornaments... My grandma gave us one every year. I have all of them. Right now, I am starting to tear up. Every time I get them out, I break down. She put all the thought and care into making those for us. I miss her terribly. I wish she was still here with us.

I haven't lost a sibling, but my family is extremely close. We still gather every year. My oldest aunt has started making us ornaments. And we eat and laugh and talk about her. It's been 8 years and it's still hard during the holidays. But I think that it always will be. And I am so sorry for your loss. I know the heartbreak that comes with death. I will pray for you and your family. And I agree that maybe you should talk to Lisa's sons about how they are feeling. Men don't always know how to express how they feel. They may not want to accept the fact that she is gone. But sometimes someone just needs to say, 'You know? It's really ok to cry and mourn.'

Again, I am praying for you and your family. I am SO SORRY for your loss.

 

[mishellyshel]

laur--go into the meeting open minded. and lets things play out from there.
i dont know the full situation with your nephews, so it is hard to make a judgement, but they did lose their mother, maybe if you gave them the chance to explain you would be able to forgive them and perhaps help them thru a time that must be difficult for them as well.
everyone heals & grieves in their own way. you know yourself and your family best. it will be difficult but you will get thru it. and when you hit a rough patch and need people to talk to you know you will always have a friend on CnH. xoxox

 

[InkedupTara]

LAurie, I have no advice different then was offered. But whatever you do, Lisa IS with you hun.... Hugs to you sweety.

 

[Midwest Exotics]

I agree with everyone else.

Its totally normal & if you didnt feel that way i'd be concerned. You show true emotion & losing someone as close as a sibling isnt something you pop up & get over.

Lisa was a big part of your life & the life you have known since you were young!

I think it important that you spend this time with the family & friends you do still have with you. Lisa will be watching you all & im SURE shes going to have one heck of a first christmas in heaven! She is with you & i'd imagine she wants you all to be happy, happy for each other, happy for life, happy for HER. I know its hard & easier said than done, but your sister seemed so incredibly sweet & im sure she wouldnt want everyone to be down for the holidays. Remember, celebrate & pray for her, of course.

As for the Nephew's i can understand where you are frustrated, angry, etc. But they are Lisa's kids & should be welcomed with open arms. I dont know anything about them, but its possible that maybe they are just trying to deal with her passing in a far different way than some could imagine. I try giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, however, if they are as nasty as you say & honestly are deep down, i still think the family should try to pool together to be together. Chances are they do have a lot of feelings about their mother, about her death & her life, that they have a hard time coping with. Family is family in my eyes, we all do stupid things somewhere along the lines & sometimes we need our family to help pull us out.

On the other hand i do see what you mean & I would also be very upset. Im sure things wont be the same, but some things will & try to take comfort in that.

As for the extra money, i really like the idea of breast cancer donations, however, helping someone in need is also a wonderful idea. I think Lisa would agree!

Try to keep your chin up. Its going to get harder before it gets better, but it will get better, although i dont think it will EVER be easy.

Good luck Laurie, i think about you often & am still grateful you decided to share Lisa's (and your family's) story with us all.

 

[starleomach]

Laurie. I wish I had the right words to say...Just trudge through. Each day will get a little easier. It will never be the same, but it will get easier

 

[Sandi]

Everytime I try posting Laurie, I get too emotional, hopefully this one will stick. We all know how special Lisa was and still is Laurie, the two of you were there for each other all of your lives and she was your best friend. I have felt exactly as you and not know how to cope nor get through most days when my grandmother who was my first mother died. You have to take it one day at a time my friend, it won't be easy but you will get through it. The 1st of everything without her will always be the hardest, I'm sorry. But as Peggy said, the funeral place was very professional but at the same time they were very courteous and respectful. Just let it happen Laurie, one day at a time. You've got a great kid and family and you have US!

We're just a phone call away. :grouphug:

 

[VolunteerChin22]

My father died in Sept of 2002 and we always had the same christmas traditions since the time I was born so it was really hard. my mom and i decided we wanted to do something a little different so we went on a cruise just the two of us the week before christmas...it was nice to get away and take our minds of the coming holidays but when we came back we went through the motions at my grandma's house (his mom) - it was awkward and hard...that was the last time we had christmas...now my mom is remarried and my dad's family doesnt interact with her...they always ask about her but she doesnt get invites to things :/ her husband is great but has older children and I was an only child so it got even weirder...so it has literally shattered my traditions...Im torn between spending time with them...

time is the only thing that helps. just focus on each day. go to your event and just see how you feel...maybe you will feel like interacting, maybe you will just want to listen, and heck maybe you'll want to leave in the first 5 min, but it might be helpful to be around people who understand. there is something theraputic about talking about your feelings to people who aren't close to you sometimes...sometimes you feel freer to say things on your mind...i hope whatever you decide to do for the holidays that you find some peace and a little bit of happiness

 

[AnimalsR4Me]

Laurie, there isn't much that I can say that hasn't already been said. I know what you're going through, the 7th marked 1 year since my grandma died, and I know last year, no one even wanted to celebrate the holidays, so we didn't. We did the gifts and everything, but we didn't have the meal, or the celebration, it just wasn't the same. We tried a small meal for christmas, but it wasn't the same, the wounds were too fresh. We just spent the day together, as a family, curled up on the couch, or in the lazyboy chairs, and watched silly christmas movies. Grandma was probably rolling over in her grave, because as she said in her letter that was read to us at her funeral, she didn't want us to be sad, or to cry. She had a good life here, and enjoyed her life, and she wanted us to do the same, even without her. She knew she was going to Heaven, and she knew she'd be in God's hands, and no longer in pain. I'm sure Lisa held the same wishes. I'm sure she would want you to keep your chin up, and reach through the pain, and find some reason to be thankful this thanksgiving, even if you're only thankful that Lisa is no longer suffering, and no longer in pain. Even if you're only thankful that you had as many years as you did. Even if you're only thankful that the sun is shining that day. As far as your nephews goes, give them time, but give yourself time as well. Don't feel bad about being bitter and angry towards them. You have a right to feel whatever emotions you want. I want you to know that they will eventually, maybe they already do, regret the decisions that they made. I'm sure you will forgive them long before they forgive themselves for not being there for your beautiful sister. I was working for my mom the night my grandma died because I knew it was more important that my mom be there for my grandma than myself, but I still feel guilty because I didn't get to say a final goodbye. Theres still a part of me that thinks that I should have been there. Even now, a year later, I can't see grandpa without wondering for a split second "well, wheres grandma" and then I remember. This holiday season I will be alone, I'm working through the holidays this year, so I'm not spending it with family, and I havn't decided if it's going to be easier that way or not. I just want you to know that Lisa will be in my thoughts, as will you Laurie. And as I told you in a PM once before, I'm sure grandma and Lisa are up there looking down at us, sipping their drinks, and saying "look at them! I sure do love them, and miss them!" Big hugs for you Laurie. You know I'm here if you need me hon!