Help Please!

[Jadebf700]

So I have this friend who is making probably the biggest mistake of her life. She is getting married to the father of her child. She has tried this relationship probably 4 or 5 times now and it has failed EVERY time. This time she claims it is different.

Now this guy has NOT been a good father. He took Lily for a night and they found alcohol in her system 2 days later! He has smoked with her in the room and such! Has had a hard time holding a job and has had quite a few off and on girlfriends in a short period of time.

So my hesitation is purely because I don't want to loose contact with her for her daughters sake. When infants go through the only mom phase, she still came to me and let me hold her. I feel like any time I wanted to see her I could call and go get her. Last time I got her, she had sour milk in her cup and I just want to make sure she is ok.

Also, they are planning to have another kid!!! Starting to try in October! They can't afford another kid and I feel like they are barely capable of handling the one they have now! Oh and she is not telling anyone else they are married... I am it...

Why would she do this now!!!

 

[starleomach]

All you can do is be there for her to the best of your ability. Sad fact is you can only control your actions and reaction not the actions of others no matter what you do

 

[Laurie]

Jess--you can do nothing. She is a bad picker. She makes poor choices with men and she seems to make poor choices in other areas, and even though this is a very difficult thing to watch, there really is nothing you can do. I'm not sure what you mean by the only mom phase, but if you want to continue to see the young girl who sounds like a baby, then you have to be non judgemental of the mother. If you do start to nag and judge the girls mother then she most likely will not allow you to continue to see her daughter.

 

[caiti]

I'd say you have four options (I can think of):
1. Keep these friends and try to educate them in the least offensive way possible and very carefully try to improve this child's life.
2. Never talk to these people again.
3. Call DSS or something of the like. If this baby's father is feeding her alcohol and drugs and the parents will be unable to provide for her basic needs because they are financially lacking, then maybe bringing authorities in might change the situation for the better. I have no idea, though, as my contact with DSS has been very limited (and not in a similar scenario) and I do not know how situations like this would play out. It would be wise to figure that out before taking action like this.
4. Try to talk some sense into her. The prospect of a family and not being alone and love cause people to do crazy things that they wouldn't do under any other circumstances. Maybe you can appeal to her longing for personal relationships by telling her how much you care about her and her child, and their well being. You only know if talking to her will do anything or not.

I'm sorry, I can only imagine how frustrated I would be in your shoes.

 

[RDZCRanch]

Jess...you know I've had numerous friends that have come and gone. When people start making poor choices, you can't stop them. If you try to "talk" to them about it, they just get mad because you're "attacking" them.

If you really want to be there for her daughter, just be as neutral as possible. Don't tell her what to do, what she's doing wrong or anything like that. You just have to act like everything is the same as it was before she married the idiot. I do have to agree if you see anything bad happening to the kid that you should report them. No kid needs a father that gives them alcohol...

 

[CJR]

You need to report him to the authorities. How much alcohol has to be in a child's system for it to be detected two days later?

Personally, I would report them to child services and stop talking to them but I tend to avoid situations like this if at all possible.

 

[Mt. Zion Chins]

you said the child had alcohol in her system - that was 'detected two days later' . By whom?? If it was a doctor or hospital they should have reported it then to the proper people. It seems somebody 'droppped the ball'

 

[Jadebf700]

The doctor had done a blood sample or something. I have to imagine it was reported. They have both been investigated before. I just hope that something has changed for the better.

What I meant by the only mom phase is when the child will only go to the mom. She would still come see me! I think I am actually going to take her for a bit tomorrow which will make me happy!

 

[ruoc]

I think, stay in contact with the mother, and let her know that she has a place to go when things go bad. Also, as the child grows, let her know that she will always have a safe place with you. I'll keep my feelings about the dad to myself, cause you know, if you can't say anything nice........