When is it time to face facts?

[Courtney]

First off, I'd just like to ask that I not be attacked for this post. I know a great deal of you just don't care or can't understand, but please, hear me out. I need some advice, but I don't need to be made to feel any worse.

I've got cold feet. Bad. I don't know what my problem is, but I've been dreading this wedding for about 3 months now. When we finalized the guest list, I was feeling a little apprehensive. When we sent the invitations out and we started getting replies, I started to get physically ill each time someone called. This is really gross, but in the last few weeks, I've spent a fair deal of time hunched over the toilet in the bathroom, trying not to throw up because I'm so anxiety ridden about the entire wedding. 150 people confirmed and I've been experiencing various anxiety symptoms since.

Yesterday was the first time I'd eaten anything in about 3 days.. and it was a small bowl of rice with some bean sprouts and shrimp on it. There was maybe half a cup of food there, and I had to choke it down. Water was making me nauseous. I don't sleep much any more, even though I'm dead tired. All I do is think about how scared I am at the prospect of this wedding and how much I don't want it. I love him, but I don't love the idea that nothing about this wedding is my own.

Last week, Adam got into a huge fight with his mother about the wedding and how she was trying to invite people that weren't on the original guest list. We specified how many people were invited on the invitation, and people still asked for exceptions. We were guilted into inviting people we didn't know, and more recently, we had such problems with the wedding that the RCMP are now involved. My crazy aunt figured out where and when the wedding was, and is bringing 10 other family members that weren't invited due to their emotionally abusive history to my mother. The aunt has been physically abusive to my sister and maid of honor, and has gone so far to hunt me down and press me for details.

Last week, I was sobbing to Adam as I was threatening to cancel this wedding. I don't normally cry, but this entire wedding has reduced me to a pile of nerves and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I know a great deal of it is my fault since I didn't stand up for it in the first place, but it's hard to do that when the people you're trying to talk to just talk over you. When I started defending myself months ago, all it created was a huge rift and people were offended. Now we're about 3 weeks from the wedding and I'm starting to wonder how on earth I'm going to make it down that aisle if I'm hiding in a bathroom because I'm too terrified to come out.

We tried to talk to his mother about this, to further explain why I needed a guest list of under 50 people. It wasn't because I'm selfish, but because I'm so socially anxious that I can't handle large crowds. 25 people is usually too large a crowd for me, and I break into a sweat. Her only reply was that "weddings, funerals and family camp" is the only time the entire family can get together. So it's a social event. At my health and expense.

I've been so anxious about this day that I've lost about 10 pounds in the last week. My clothes hang off me and unless I want to drug myself, there's nothing I can do. When I try to tell people about this, they tell me to suck it up and find some valium. As you can imagine, I haven't talked to many people about this. I'm constantly in pain because I'm so stressed out - I want to eat, I'm hungry... but everything just comes right back up. When I went for my final fitting the other day, even the seamstress mentioned my weight loss... she had to pull in the sides of the dress again because it was hanging off me.

And all the money spent! Everything is booked. The girls have their dresses. Lots of money has been put into this and I'm terrified of having to call this off. Like I said, I love him and don't want to hurt him... but I don't know what to do. It's not fair to him if I go through with this, feeling the dread I do. I want to be happy as I walk toward him, not fighting the urge to panic and run away. Everyone tells me that planning a wedding should be exciting and I should be thrilled... but all I feel is a sense of dread.

Please, I need some help. I'm breaking under this pressure. I'm depressed. I don't eat or sleep, and I don't get enjoyment out of anything. I can't bring myself to do all the last minute things with this wedding, and the thought of phoning to confirm everything is making me hyperventilate.

I'm used to being a people pleaser... but how do I do that if I can't even figure out how to make myself happy?

Please help me.

 

[Easterpiggy]

ok first off take a deep breath. when I got married it was very stressful as well (and I was pregnant) go to your primary doctor and explain the situation. ( that you cant keep any thing down) he will give you something really good for nausea. I have also noticed that sniffing peppermint oil helps. for sleep benadril or melatonin is good (they are both over the counter) as for stress go and get a spa day to relax. this whole thing should be about the bride anyway. Oh and tell your hubby-to-be what is bugging you he can help you through this. let me know if those things help.

 

[Marie5656]

Sounds like you and Adam are having a tough go. And your family is not being any help at all. Are you willing to stand up, put your foot down and say ENOUGH ALREADY? Planning a wedding can be stressfull enough without family interference..
You may need to piss some people off by sayig that your guest lst has been set to a certain number of people for a reason, and there is no possible way you are able to accomodate any extra people. And then stick to that. People will get angry, but that is life.

I kind of had the opposite at my wedding...I invited some people from my husband's side who he really wanted to attend. I had no problem with that, but I had decided against a couple of people from my side to accomodate his gusts. People I was on the fence about. Turns out some of the people he invited said yes, even though they had no intention of coming. I could have invited my people. But this is a whole different story, an this is YOUR thread.

 

[Nancy]

Is it the wedding you don't want or the marriage? It sounds to me like your wedding has gotten way off track. This is your wedding and should be what YOU want. Yes, weddings should be exciting and fun for you and Adam, nobody else counts.

If it's only the wedding that is freaking you out then call it off. Have your wedding in the park with your attendants and a few close friends and family.

Big weddings are fine for people who like that sort of thing. Not everyone does and it should be what YOU want, not his mother, not your mother, not anyone else but you and Adam.

The other solution, elope.

 

[Courtney]

That's the thing. When we first got engaged, we were going to have a destination wedding because that's what we wanted. My parents were perfectly fine with it and were all ready to pay for their plane tickets. When we told his parents the same thing, his mom flew off the handle and told us she would never speak to us again if we did. Since family is important, we opted not to do that. I didn't want to be the girl that caused such a huge rift in the family that Adam's mother wouldn't speak to him.

We've already tried to step up and put our foot down. My parents have been absolute saints about this - they're paying a great deal for this wedding and their only requests were that we consider inviting 3 of dad's work partners (which were already on the list) and please, please consider extending the RSVP deadline one day so long time friends could attend (they'd just got back from vacation and had to deal with a broken house after a tree fell on it). That was all they've asked. When we tried to speak to his mother about our concerns, she flipped out, yelled at us and told us she was done with us. Then she hung up on us. We didn't speak to her for about a week, until she finally apologized to us and get back into the good books. His sister did the same thing after she booked pedicures the day before and we simply asked her how long it would take. We had no idea, and we just wanted to know if we should count on them to help set up the hall - she booked for herself, my sister, my mom and her mom. She freaked on us, told us we were being unreasonable and selfish, and then went off on a tangent about other things about the wedding, like not invited new girlfriends of guests. It was just a horrible situation all around. We haven't asked anyone for help yet, so we were rather unsure where all this animosity was coming from.

 

[tunes]

Yup, I'm with Nancy. I was going to offer one word of advice "elope."

Go get married somewhere beautiful, just you and Adam. Then if anybody's feelings are hurt, it's equally shared. Nobody feels slighted that they weren't invited. When you get back, throw a big reception. You won't even have to talk to anybody at the reception because they are always busy with lots of dancing and talking, etc.

The main thing is, do you love Adam and want to marry him, but are just feeling stressed out over the garbage attached to the wedding, or do you not want to marry Adam? If you love him and want to marry him, get a flight to somewhere wonderful next weekend and get married. Cancel the wedding and either keep the reception or plan it at another time, maybe a big outdoor BBQ somewhere with a whole lot less stress involved.

 

[Courtney]

Sometimes, I'm just not sure. Adam and I have been together for 4 years now and he's my best friend. I just don't feel sparks, but I figure that's because we've moved out of the honeymoon stage. He's good to me, he treats me well... I just don't feel excited to be around him. I care for him very much, but I always wonder if this is it. Like, is this what our life is going to be like? On any given day, he's playing video games and I'm on my laptop. We're in the same room, but we're not really spending any time together. When we do go out, we have lots of fun. It's just most times... I'm very bored. I think this is what people call "a rut". I like excitement and I think he's more the type to stay home and play games. He's a workaholic, so to speak, so there's very little time to do anything. He works from 8 to 5, comes home, we eat and then he logs onto his computer to do contract work for another company. Sometimes he does that until 10 at night, then goes to bed and gets offended when I'm still up.

It's just a huge mass of confusion. Like I said, I love him... I just don't this to be our life, where we sit and don't ever DO anything. I'm bored, on top of being extremely stressed. I guess it also doesn't help that I'm seeing a side of his family that I never saw until we started planning this wedding. I can't abide by people who blackmail or guilt trip... and that's what the majority of his family is doing to me. I don't know if I could accept that as MY family.

 

[Easterpiggy]

eloping is a great idea if you want to. I think you should sit him down and have a serious talk with him about the relationship. but I still think you should get some fenergin or something. not eating is not good for you.

 

[tunes]

Having been down this road myself, let me tell you, the family issues never get easier. If his family are idiots now, it will only increase once the ink on the paper is dry. Holidays you were going to spend with your family, suddenly become THEIR holidays. And God forbid you have kids. Oye. That takes this kind of situation and turns it into an larger nightmare.

Don't make the mistake of getting married because it's easier than calling everything off. If you're not happy now, that piece of paper isn't going to change anything, it just makes it harder and a whole lot more expensive to walk away.

You're 22 years old, you've been with this kid since you were 18. I don't mean to sound rude Courtney, but neither one of you really knows what "grown up" love is when you get together so young. I can't tell you a single person that I know of who has stayed married, having been together in their teens. Everything changes as you age, your opinions, your choices, your feelings. What seemed great at 18 is going to be "Holy Crap - I can't believe I thought that" at 25 and even more so at 30.

Have you talked to Adam about this? Have you let him know all of your concerns and the fact that you're not sure if this is the right decision for you? If you can't talk to him openly about this and either get past it or work through it together, then you already know what your decision should be.

 

[3CsMommy]

Sounds like, for both of your sakes, you and Adam should talk to a non-religious (b/c it's not about "honor thy father and mother" when it's the rest of your adult lives you're talking about here) couples' counselor before everything is finalized. If his family is the problem, you both need to have the courage to be adults and present a united front in reining them in. A counselor is a neutral 3rd party that can be great help getting perspective on the problem.

Talk to your parents too. Let your mom read this thread and then discuss seriously whether waiting a little while or calling off the big to-do is the right thing. Take care of the guilt you feel about the expenses first; then figure out whether the marriage is the right thing, then, if the ceremony needs to be changed, do it. But, keep the people who love you first (rather than putting themselves first) close to you and aware of how abused you feel thanks to Adam's family. You need their support to keep you steady now, and I'm sure Adam could use the love too.

*hugs* I was maid of honor for someone with a very similar problem. Since I knew it was a hellish few weeks before the wedding, I called to check in on her & the groom at least every other day. As part of the wedding party, that's my job. (Do your girls and groomsmen know about all this? If not, pick a couple you trust, tell them all of it, and if there need to be changes, let them help you make them.) My biggest responsibility for that wedding was "damage control": the bride's and groom's respective families hated each other, and had no problems trying to drag whomever was closest into the fight. Between the groom, his brother, and me, we had 3 police departments and the county sheriff phone numbers in our cell phones in the event a fight broke out between the mothers. I was also in charge of keeping the bride away from her family, and let me tell you, after the **** she put K. through, I got a sick sense of satisfaction from telling K.'s mother that she and K's younger siblings weren't allowed anywhere near K. before the ceremony; K. needed the time to calm herself down and shut out the stress, and 5 screaming children and an abusive mother wouldn't help that. Seeing me shut the door and throw the deadbolt with her mother banging on the other side of it screaming let K. finally get all the stress out (she's not a crier either), and we still had time to touch up her makeup, crack open a box of Godiva chocolates I bought her for the occasion, and cross off the last things on her check list. Your wedding party is there because either they love you or you love them; enlist their help too.

 

[Remyma0408]

I have no advice Courtney. Just :hugs: ... Follow your heart.

 

[Jenn]

I think you have gotten a lot of great advice. Weddings are stressful, and it is a huge relief when it is over and done with. It doesn't help when the families try to run the whole show. My mother-in-law was the same way with my wedding, and since we had very little money, and needed all the help we could get, we just had to go along with her whims.

Sit down and really try to pinpoint what makes you sick about this wedding. Is if fear of marrying Adam, or the pressures of the wedding ceremony. If it is about marrying Adam, you need to call it off, no matter how much money has been spent already. You don't want to make a lifetime mistake because you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

If it is the stress of the ceremony itself and your lack of control over it, then it is time for you and Adam to talk about it and discuss what kind of ceremony would make you both happy. Your happiness comes first, and your families and relatives will just have to understand that they have to back down and not interfere with your plans. You have to let them know how to help you, not let them take control. If all else fails, do what has already been suggested and elope. Nice simple wedding without all the stress. A big reception can include everyone. It may just be the best solution for you to get out of this mess. People may be angry at first, but they will get over it and you can let the parents plan the reception if they feel the need to be so involved.

But to be physically ill from all of this is definitely not what marriage is all about. Time to make a change before this goes any further. I wish you the best of luck. But please take the time to decide what YOU really want, and go from there, one step at a time

 

[eroomlorac]

Listen to Tunes. If it doesn't feel right, Courtney, don't do it. It is so much easier to call it off than to get divorced down the road, maybe even after having children. If there's any question, don't get married right now. I'm not saying break up with Adam, but you two have some issues to resolve first. He very well may be the best man for you to marry but you have to understand what each other expects out of this marriage, first. I say delay the wedding or call it off and then if you do decide to get married, go to Vegas!!

 

[Laurie]

Courtney, never once in here did you mention if you love Adam or not. If you're this terrified of your wedding you need to ask yourself why. This is supposed to be a happy day for you, not a day filled with dread.
Yes weddings are stressful, deaths are stressful, being trapped with your family can honestly be stressful.
But love should never be stressful. Do you love him or not? If you don't and only you know, then no you should not be getting married at all.
It's better to fess up now then be stuck in some relationship you feel trapped in down the line.
This isn't the worst thing to ever happen to someone too, so don't feel like it would be.
You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.
And who makes you feel safe, secure and cherished.

 

[alli713]

I'll have to say that only you, and you only knows what your feelings are for Adam. So, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with your relationship. People can say you're too young, or you shouldn't get cold feet, or what have you, but in the end only you really know what you should do.

People can be together young and get married and lead a very happy and successful married life. It's really up to the individuals. It depends on your maturity and your relationship. No one here can know what it's like to be you and your fiancee.

So I understand the need to vent, but honestly, just listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't go through with it. I'll have to say though that I don't believe a marriage is built on that butterfly in the stomach "sparks" feeling. I think with most relationships those tend to fade over time as you get used to being with someone. But it really turns into a different kind of love. Well, for me anyways. I know it's probably not the same for everyone. And really, everyone's backgrounds and beliefs are different, so you have to take everyone's advice with a grain of salt. This is why I say you only know what needs to happen. No one can know how you feel or who you are as a person.

So, my advice is to take some time to think it through and just go with your gut. I'm not saying you shouldn't get married, because I do believe you can have a successful marriage even if you marry young. I just think that you need to have a maturity and understanding. And only you know what's best for you. Honestly.

 

[Tiatrack]

Oh Courtney! You have gotten some really fabulous advice already. As someone who has only been married just over a year, I completely relate to your MIL issues and the stress of a wedding. Here is my advice:

1) Couples therapy. Figure out if your stress is wedding related, or marriage related.
2) Stick to your guns for the wedding you want. Don't worry what others think. This wedding is not about his mother, and she needs to stop making herself the center of attention.
3) You need Adam to stick up for you with his mother. Once you are his wife, you need to be his #1 priority. If you aren't, that is a huge problem that WILL NOT get better.

Good luck! I'm giving you a huge virtual hug.

ETA: I LOVE my husband, and still marriage is very hard. It isn't something to be taken lightly. You're young, so don't rush something you're not sure about.

 

[Nancy]

My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and I can't imagine being with anyone else. We grew together and yes, we have our differences, but we also have many basic similarities. The differences are minor such as he could watch Nascar 24/7 but I have no interest. When I was 18, 20 and up to about age 30 I did. So, he watches nascar, I watch what I want to or do other things.

In-law issues are huge and had his mother stayed in our lives, I'm not sure if we would have lasted. Her being around was so stressful to both of us and luckily we were able to talk about it and he told her that she was in our lives on our terms. She didn't like our terms which were basically nothing other than to visit at a time when her son was off either for a weekend or holidays. Nope, she wanted to be in control but thankfully, that didn't happen.

If you love him, talk to him and work things out. You should be his first priority and he yours. If you aren't then run. The "sparks" do die out but they will die out in every relationship you will have. What is left is love, friendship, and comfort which is what will last. You want someone who will put YOU first above parents, family and friends.

Find out where you stand with him. If his family over rides you, then run. If you are his priority above his family, then call off this wedding and get married the way you and Adam want to. Of course the same goes between him and your family.

 

[tunes]

Nancy - You are the exception to the rule, and it's great that you have been together for so long and doing well. In a world where divorce is the quick fix, it's good to see that somebody is able to stick it out for the long haul. There are some people who are just meant to be together and thrive in that long of a relationship, but many, many more divorce. The statistics bear it out. Marriages that wait until 25 years of age or older suffer divorce half the time of marriages in younger partners.

From my own personal point of view, strictly regarding my own children, I hope like heck my kids don't stay with the same person they meet at 18 for the rest of their lives. I hope they get a chance to meet several different potential future partners, so they know the one they end up with is THE one, not just a habit or because they are desperate not to be alone or clingy and can't let go when they should have. I hope I've raised them better than that.

Courtney, I hope whatever you decide to do; marry him, hold off for a while, walk away - I hope it works out for you. Life is too short to be stuck with crappy in-laws and few men are strong enough to stand up to their mothers and their families and it is really hard to ask them to, even though you really need to do that so you can have a chance at a relationship with him.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let it make you crazy or destroy your health. That isn't going to give you a clear head to make such a life-changing decision. As suggested above, is there someone you can talk to? I know it's cutting it close, 3 weeks away, but it's your life and you've got all the time in the world to make up your mind if you're not sure.

 

[ABBY W.]

OK. I am going to give you my story and hopefully it will help you some. My mother-in-law is a nightmare. I mean, a trying to interfere in my relationship, spreading horrible lies about me, emotional blackmailing psycho. (You can tell I hold back, right?) Anyways, my hubby and I have been together for 10 years now, since we were 19. She was almost the end of our relationship because she was awful to me and disrespectful and disregarded my feelings every chance she got. My hubby didn't know how to handle it and made excuses for her, and even accused me of being overly sensitive. Eventually, it came down "if I can't trust you to have my back, then we can't be together." He finally took her on and told her that if she couldn't respect me then they couldn't continue a relationship, to which she replied "I guess we can't have a relationship then."

I am not suggesting that your fiance should say that to your mother, but he has to understand that if you are his wife (or soon-to-be) then YOU, YOUR HEALTH, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP have to be his first priority. This means HE needs to take his mother aside and tell her the decisions you and he make together, and he needs to be firm about her respecting that. Trust me, if he doesn't step up now, she will take over your life. She will find that throwing tantrums and bullying is the appropriate way to get what she wants from you guys and it won't stop.

As for your doubts, I totally get what you're saying, because my marriage has a lot of the same problems. We are total opposites in everything. It takes a LOT of hard work to make it work; a lot of talking, compromise and understanding. I agree that just because you don't have that butterfly feeling doesn't mean you're in a rut. That feeling goes away over time and is replaced with something much calmer, less exciting, but more mature and realistic. It's just not possible to sustain that early-love obsessiveness and constant excitement for each other. That doesn't mean you can't be happy, or that you don't love each other, it's just a different feeling. That early love is not a realistic one because you idealize your partner, you see them as perfect. The calmer love is one where you know their flaws and they know yours and it's ok. Much better and more secure imo.

I think you shoudl have a long serious talk with your fiance and ask him to step up with his family, and then start making decisions together about what you want, not what anyone else wants. I know you said you are used to being a people pleaser, but this isn't the time for that. You need to be willing to stand up and say "This is what I want, and I am not going to tolerate mistreatment for it."

 

[ChilliPepper]

All I can say is the MIL will not get any easier. Dave and I delayed setting a date for our wedding because his mother freaked out. We then had to wait a whole year more to get married, so we were engaged for 2 years. His mother came to my apartment one night when he was spending the night and she wanted him at home. It ended with my neighbor calling the cops and her being asked to leave. We buried the hatchet eventually for a few years but recently, I have decided to evict her from my life whenever possible. We will not be spending the holidays with them, which makes me sad because I like the rest of the family.
If you are physically ill from all of this, then call it off. Money gone, yes. Your health and sanity are worth much much more.