Nightmares about my pets.

[Brittany_Lynn]

I've been having a rough couple of weeks, but surprisingly, I'm feeling very happy most of the time. My job is so hard, yet so much fun--I started a job as a lead teacher for 3 year olds in a day care, full time, in August. BUT...I have one 18 month old, three 2 year olds, and three 3 year olds...they're such a handful! So I'm stressed from all that work...
Also, I've been living off of pennies because I need to find an apartment to move in on NOVEMBER 1st... :headdesk: I'm stressing out about finding a place soon because I don't want to have to move back in with my mother...she sure won't be pleased about my chins...but they're staying. No ifs ands or buts about it.
My cell phone was shut off because somehow my boyfriend used 1000 extra minutes one month, and the phone bill was $320...he doesn't have a job, so he refused to pay for it, and I can't pay it, so my mom just had to add a line to her plan so that I would have a telephone. Meanwhile I owe AT&T $500...I also owe money to my boyfriend, my mom, my ex-roommate, and Capital one...

The reason for this long explanation is that I THINK that all of the above stress is manifesting itself in nightmares, because I'm otherwise happy. But these nightmares are really bothering me, and I wondered if anyone had any suggestions, or thoughts on why I'm having them...
Firstly, I keep having this recurring nightmare where Ivan and Orson are running around together in the bathroom, and I open the door to leave but Orson tries to run out, so I slam it shut on him and kill him. Then I open it to try to save him, pull him out, and when I go to shut it again, I slam it shut on Ivan this time, and then I'm left holding the two of them in my hands. But they don't die right away, they twitch and make whimpering sounds like they're in pain, and look at me the whole time.
Then I had a nightmare a few days ago where Florence, my hamster who passed away, is sick. I try to fix her, but I make her worse, and I think she's going to die, but she doesn't, so I try to fix her again and it just makes it worse again, but she still doesn't die...I just get stuck with this feeling of helplessness combined with the feeling that I am the one 'killing' her. It goes on forever and she doesn't die but I just know she's going to...but I wake up before it happens.
The last one I had was weird because I've never owned a guinea pig, but I dreamt that I had this beautiful orange and brown female guinea pig. She was so cute and lovely...then I realize that she's pregnant, and she's not going to be able to deliver the babies because she's too small, so I decide I have to put her out of her pain and misery, and because I don't have enough money to euthanize her, I decide to do it myself. I put her on the grass outside and put a brick on top of her, and run away. A few hours later I come back and lift it up so I can bury her, but I find out instead that I succeeded in pushing the babies out for her, and she's been lying under there the whole time, getting better somehow. But I'm afraid for some reason, and I take the brick and hit her with it, then I bury her (still kind of alive) in a shallow grave, and throw the brick on top.
That one left me with the worst feeling. I don't know why.

I don't know if any of this has to do with the incident with my grandparents killing the kittens and cats a few months ago, or if it's supressed guilt from Orson/Ivan/Florence's death, or just stress, but I'm so frustrated, and I just want the nightmares to STOP. You know?
*sigh* thoughts and such would be appreciated...

 

[fanofdmb84]

My guess would be that you are right...you are stressed and doing your best not to let it get to you during the day and its coming out at night. I actually had a dream that one of my dogs got hit by a train the other night. Scary, but luckily just a dream. Maybe just talking about it here will help get it off your conscience. Do you journal or blog? Maybe that would help too.

 

[caiti]

Ok, I have horrible gruesome nightmares and day dreams a lot. They probably started a handful of years ago but I find they are exacerbated by disturbing stories, such as whenever I watch CSI or Law & Order or read about some sort of physical abuse. So maybe the incident with your grandparents did trigger something. And your experiences with losing pets are providing the scenes in your nightmares. In all of my daydreams I am the one doing the killing also. I find myself pretty much writhing in my bed because the images in my head are so horrible to look at. I think I am insane, sometimes :err:

What helps in the moment is going to the animals I am having these daydreams about and give them scritches or play with them. I think it helps my brain realize I am having nightmares about these things because I would find them horrifying to do, thus it is out of character for me to do them. Sometimes I am not near the animal (or in your case, since you can't go to Ivan or Orson or Florence maybe look at pictures or go to their gravesite if you can) but I try to tell myself that even though I am incredibly disturbed by my nightmares, the fact that I am means that there's no way I would put myself in a situation or do something like that.

It's all about (for me at least) a fear of losing control and I think trying to prepare myself for seeing something so horrific. The thought of my body betraying myself and going through these actions I would never do makes me think "Oh god, what if that did happen? How awful would that be? It would be horrible!! Like the news story about that person who [insert horrible thing here]" and I dwell on the horribleness.

You're anxious and over analyzing events in your life you don't need to because you are stressed and that makes you less self confident in some aspect of your psyche (which stress does to everyone). Our brains try to gain information from our lives by replaying situations we've been in. That's why so many people have dreams that include something they did or saw that day and you are focusing on sad moments and trying to figure them out. You are distracted for the day and aren't going through the same cyclical thoughts you are when you are not distracted at night, in your sleep. That's why you are mostly happy. *This is all my opinion by the way, though I've probably had enough psychotherapy to start my own practice ha*

My suggestion would be try to realize that those dreams are nightmares, as in something you do not want to happen and would never help make happen. I mean, come on, like you would ever bury an animal alive--that's ridiculous!! I've never even met you and I know that's just not possible. Maybe you are afraid of encountering the kind of abuse you saw with your grandparents and are trying to figure out how to deal with it or maybe you are trying to figure out how someone could do that in general. All I know is, when your mind is talking to you, you're trying to figure something out and when you do or convince yourself of what's wrong with these scenarios in your dreams (consciously and subconsciously), it will likely help.

P.S. Diana gave good advice. Talking about things in a conversation, where someone can make you think of situations in a different light, often really makes rational and logical thoughts sink in and things "click" so to speak.

 

[Annieo]

Stress does some crazy things to us. Sounds like you are very overwhelmed. Try to deal with the things you can now and pick away at the others.

 

[addictedtochins]

I'm sorry. I have lost my income starting this week and had been having bad dreams since then like my husband being totally and absolutely horrible, I'm hurting and killing people, going to jail...on and on with no basis in reality.
It's obvious you are having anxiety, perhaps some temporary medication might help. I hope you aren't medicating yourself as in drinking and drugs. It's so tempting. I was thinking about a journal too, to see what keeps bothering you and remember and dwell on happier moments by rereading it. Also start writing down plans and goals. Shopping is the best but hit thrift stores, CL and moving sales. I'm here for ya if you want to chat or PM. Before you go to bed, no TV or if you have to just Nick at Night and other light silly stuff incl a good book. And stay away from food and drink 2-3 hours before bed. And last do a search for meanings and symbols of dreams.

 

[Brittany_Lynn]

Thanks everyone
I'll start writing again, Diana.

I hope you aren't medicating yourself as in drinking and drugs. It's so tempting. I was thinking about a journal too, to see what keeps bothering you and remember and dwell on happier moments by rereading it.

I'm on 2 antidepressant prescriptions and a PTSD medication, and I'm a...what are they called? Tee-totaller? Haha...I don't drink, do drugs, smoke cigarettes even. I've never been into that stuff. Too much bad family history to even attempt it, ya know?